Sunday, March 28, 2010

Jerking My Johnson

In late 2006, my beloved and I were finally getting serious about having a child. Unable to get her in the family way by normal means, we sought the help of a fertologist. When the gyno found no problems with her equipment, the attention was turned to my own. I didn't look at this as too unusual as two of my siblings had also gotten such help.

Thus an appointment was made in which I would spill my semen. This would be done at the (somewhat) world-renowned Mayo Clinic. A friend suggested that I bring a video as a masturbatory aid, but I had no such thing nor would I buy one for the occasion. Since people do this kind of thing all the time and Mayo is known as one of the best in most all the things they do, I looked forward to using whatever they provided.

I wonder now how those who belong to religions that forbid masturbating get around doing this kind of thing. I guess the desire to multiply trumps such precepts. Course, they could have their wife do it for them, but there's still the issue of the "spilled seed", a no-no in olden days.

Anyway, this lady showed me to my porn booth, I mean, my pleasure room and I started disrobing. I looked around for a rag, but there were none to be found. That's fine, I thought. I've long since moved beyond them. I noticed a TV and VCR/DVD combo up on the wall. There was one DVD in there, but it was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit video. What the fuck?! What do they think I am, 12 years old? No visible tits, ass, vag, rip off!! I'm not sure why Mayo had to be so fucking prudish on this, but whatever, they're not going to get the best of me.

I took the rest of my clothes off and it was going to be up to my imagination to get the deed done. It should be noted that until my mid-20's, I only ever masturbated on my stomach. That's the way I learned it as a kid and I never strayed until I had a girlfriend. I didn't even know it was possible to do it on one's back.

I can remember one evening when I was about 9 or 10 coming home with my family from getting groceries and having the extreme urge to rub one out. I laid on the couch (fully clothed) and started going to work. A minute later, my dad saw me and said in a rather alarmed voice, "What are you doing?" I got up and said, "Nothin". Another time, I did it (clothed again) on my parents bed (the extra space it offered was choice). My mom walked in just a few seconds after I finished. That was a close one.



One evening, afflicted with a bad cold, and sitting at the Kingdom Hall (Jehovah Witnesses' meeting place), I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again (JW's frowned on such things) if I got better. Did I hold to that promise? No, God shouldn't have given me such desires if he didn't want me to do it.

Going back to 2006, it took some time, but I was able to shoot my load after about 12 to 15 minutes. It wasn't easy, but what worthwhile thing is? I'd also like to note that I've never used any kind of lotion when taming the beast. Lotion is for wussies.

Mayo did their analysis and came to the conclusion that my sperm was fine though a bit slow. Why were they slow? Was it my laid-back demeanor or do the sperm actually affect my mood, making me feel that being chill is where it's at? Regardless, if I ever have to give another sample, I will be sure to bring along something that will make me jack it that much faster and more effectively: the 1983 Sears catalog.



I know it's not very explicit, but them 80's girls were HAWT.

9 comments:

Rocketstar said...

On your stomach? I have not seen it yet (it's in the DVR) but NatGeo or Discopvery did a new 'Sperm' documentary. I'll let you know.

On your stomach?

Narkissos said...

hahaha....
jeez! Mr. Har Das Wood...omg...i literally laughed out loud....hilarious....i wish i hadn't sed bye bye to mista loova loova eh....so wanna watch him jizz "on his stomach"....:)
good stuff tomsy....:)

Extra Ordinary Me said...

hahaha...

Dave said...

The 1983 Sears catalog? :-o

lol

Dämmerung Anblick said...

you had that catelogue under you bathroom sink, right? did you have to wipe any smudges off?

lauren said...

gahhhhhhh... LOL!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, dude! That explains it.

Anonymous said...

What nice message

Anonymous said...

You are similar to the expert)))