Reach Out and Touch Someone

I sometimes miss the days of having a conventional phone. You know, the kind you could slam on somebody's head and they'd be unconscious for half an hour. Remember how if you were really pissed at someone, you could slam the headset on its base and the person on the other end would get their eardrums blown? You can't do that with mobile devices. Close your flip phone and the other person will just think you're out of range. I have an old-school phone in my basement and am tempted to hook it up for shiggles. I remember twisting my finger around the cord while yakking it up with friends and how you couldn't leave the room while on it: You were stuck there until the conversation was over.

I watched a great independent movie a couple weeks ago called "We Don't Live Here Anymore".

Starring one of my all-time favorite actresses, Naomi Watts, as well as Mark Ruffalo, it tells the story of a guy and a girl (both of whom are married) who are having a affair. The film is set in the early 90's which makes sense because if you think about it, cheating can't be as easy these days as it once was, not with the advent of the cell phone. In the early days of Clinton, you could tell your beloved you were gonna be out for four hours and there was no way they could find you or check up on what you were doing, not unless you followed them or hired a private dick (pun intended). Though not a masterpiece, the movie was quite satisfying in three major ways: it dealt with real emotions, had no special effects, and gave me much to think about after watching it.

Two decades ago, my brothers were the kings of getting maximum use out of Alexander Bell's invention. On many evenings, they would call pizza places and have them deliver to a house up the street. It would always be amusing watching (from their house in the dark) the pizza man going up to the house and telling the occupant he had the pizza they "ordered". On one occasion, the guy actually bought the pizza. They would also call cabs to the same house and watch as the driver sat in his cab, waiting for his "customer" to come out. After a couple minutes, he would honk his horn. The boys always loved watching what would transpire. One time, two cabs from different companies were both in front of the house at the same time.

FOX Apologizes For Showing Schlong

Minnesota Viking Visanthe Shiancoe was inadvertently shown naked on television while a FOX camera crew taped owner Zygi Wilf’s presentation of the game ball to coach Brad Childress’ 19-year-old son Andrew, who is joining the Marine Corps on Monday. Shiancoe was standing behind and to the side of Wilf with a towel partly covering his body. But not completely.“It obviously was an oversight on our part and we apologize,” said FOX Sports vice president of Communications Dan Bell.

In a separate piece, Shiancoe later said to a reporter, "How'd it look?"

Worst Movies: Number 5

As 2008 draws to a close, I'm counting down the 5 worst movies I've ever been to. This only includes films I went to see at the theatre (nothing I saw on TV or video). Let's begin, shall we?

Number 5 was a sequel to a movie I actually liked. Part 2 had a much bigger budget, but was less than half as good as the first. I didn't realize how bad it was until the last half hour (guess I was hoping it'd get better). The movie I'm referring to is 2000's "Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows".



The entirety of the film can be viewed on YouTube. Click here to begin, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Thanksgiving at Old Country Buffet

I spent last Thursday afternoon with a friend of mine. He has no family in the area, so I sought to show him a good time on Thanksgiving Day. We watched some of the Titans' annihilation of the Lions before heading to one of the only restaurants open that day, Old Country Buffet.

I'm not a fan of buffets and rarely go to them (I prefer to have my food cooked to order and at regular restaurants, the likelihood of running into a carny is significantly less). I was able to compromise, however (especially when I found a coupon that reduced our admission from $12.50/person to $9.50).

We arrived a little after 3pm figuring that since it was the middle of the day, there wouldn't be as many people there. Boy, were we surprised. The line was almost out the door. Nothin' to do but wait. We talked as the line steadily moved. While engaged in conversation, I noticed a lady, a hostess, who looked quite a bit like a girl that I graduated with almost two decades ago. She was wearing glasses and a bit heavier than back then, but dang if she wasn't the spitting image of her. Why would she be working here, I thought. Oh yeah, that's right, we're in a recession.

As we got closer to the cashier, I hoped I would see my favorite buffet cliche', a big guy wearing overalls with a John Deere cap. There were people of all stripes at the restaurant. It was a regular global village. Obama would be proud. As we got close to the front of the line, I noticed people were having trouble finding seats. Yikes. I might have to eat turkey on the floor.

It was just then that I got a good look at the girl who resembled my former classmate. My eyes widened. It was her. This was proven conclusively 5 seconds later when I saw her nametag. I told my friend (who graduated the same year as I). He said he didn't remember her as clearly, but felt she looked familiar. After we paid for our grub, I said, "Hi" to her and believed she recognized the two of us. Luckily, we were able to get a booth right away.

The line to get turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberries, and all that jazz was not inconsequential. It actually snaked back around itself (kinda like W). I had a bit of a problem figuring it all out (though not as much as this guy). I told my friend to have a go while I held our seat and got something to drink (two small glasses of blue Powerade). I noticed in the center of the buffet a guy carving turkey, ham, and steak. Boy, was his arm gonna be tired tomorrow.

Most everyone in the restaurant was in a good mood (though some were more antsy than others to eat). Feeling our seat was safe, I got in line. Determined not to overdo it, I wound up getting a medium cut of turkey, some mashed tatoes, a cinnamon roll (I'd forgotten its pleasures), and a smidge of cranberry sauce. Oh, and a slice of pizza (I was probably the only person over 30 that day to take one).

My friend and I talked about work, social activities we've pursued of late, and the Marxist tendencies of Obama.

While eating, I noticed a man of Asian descent working quite feverishly at clearing tables and getting people refills of water and coffee. As my friend went up for another helping, I gave the man a dollar bill (I would've given more, but only had 5's and 20's besides the single). Nonetheless, he was incredibly happy when I gave it to him (he must not get many tips).

The high school lady walked past our table a couple times while we ate, but didn't look at me, instead taking a gander at my buddy. Had I lost my touch? Was she pretending to look at him while looking at me out of her peripheral? Did she notice me eating with my left-hand and feel she should steer clear of such madness? No matter. It was good to see someone I remembered fondly from my high school days.

Binge Drinking

Christmas Time Is Here

I have just over 40 Christmas CD's. Some are great (Chris Isaak), some not so much (Toby Keith). My collection tilts heavily in the country direction since that was my favorite type of music from 1992-2001. No matter the quality, I like to listen to all my Xmas discs during the holiday season. To do this, I need to listen to at least one per day (I usually take one or two discs with me in the morning and am able to listen to at least a half hour's worth of music over the course of a day).

When going to purchase Christmas presents (hopefully not at Wal-Mart), I'll bring my headset along and knock out a few discs. I have a new Christmas disc to listen to this year. Several months ago, I purchased "Now That's What I Call Christmas 2" at Goodwill for a few bucks, knowing I wouldn't be listening to any of the tracks until at least late November. The same thing happened a couple years ago with Chris Isaak.

One of my favorite Christmas discs is Diana Krall's Christmas Songs.

It's perfect for a cold night at home. A few of the tracks are downright melancholy, not a bad thing since the holiday season isn't always happy (you can sample the tracks at the above link). My favorite song on the disc is a remake of the Peanuts classic, "Christmas Time Is Here". Here's what one reviewer says of Krall's version of the song: "Christmas Time" is quiet and poignant. It just seems to whisper to the night sky to loose its grip on the powdered snow while the fire rages from the hearth. It comes draped in that blanket of warm fuzzy feelings."

This is one of the most heartwarming holiday videos you'll ever see.

Whatever kind of Christmas music you like, whether it's Josh Groban, Alvin & the Chipmunks, or none at all, may you all have a very blessed holiday season.

Hello, Everybody

By Joe Kita

Hello.

It's one of the first words we learn as babies, yet it's one of the last ones we think to use as adults. In our never-ending rush to get something or somewhere, it seems we don't have time anymore for this most basic of gestures. And that's unfortunate, because saying hello is more than just saying hello. It is an acknowledgment of existence. It is a pause, however brief, to affirm another's worth (and have yours affirmed in return). How might the world change-how might we change—if we mastered this word? To find out, I spent one month saying hello to every person I met. That meant strangers on the street, people in cyberspace, and even myself in the mirror every morning. Here's what I learned:

Continued...

My Dream Church

Since I’m more of a spiritual person than a religious one, I don’t go to church, but if some church were to put together something like the following, I would turn into a regular so fast it would make a Hoot Owl’s head spin:

Have all seating be extremely comfortable, ridiculously comfortable like the finest movie theatres. Serve a wide variety of healthy juices, Crystal Light Fruit Punch, in particular. Start the service by playing some really groovy techno music and encourage parishioners to dance with others of the opposite sex, even if married. Watch one of those cool videos where it looks like you’re traveling through space really fast (like at the end of “2001”).

Have everyone look at the person next to them, say “I love you” and actually mean it. Sing a few inspiring songs like Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” and Britney’s “Piece of Me”.

Go over a few pages of works by Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, or Neale Donald Walsch. Have someone speak of specific ways to let more love into one’s life (hint: give more love). Pray for Joe the Plumber (even though he's not actually a plumber). Do a 15-minute seated meditation. Give hugs freely as others share what they’re going through.

Colege

I attended Winona State University in the early 90's. Here's a beautiful picture of the campus in winter time:

One thing I liked about college is that you could sit anywhere you wanted in the classes. I've always enjoyed sitting in the back row and off to the side. That way, the number of people that can stare at me is kept to an absolute minimum. In the rear, I don't have to be concerned about people talking behind me, distracting from what the professor has to say.

It's been generally proven that those who sit the closest to the front tend to get the highest grades and vice versa for those who sit in the rear. I was a happy exception to this rule as I didn't let sitting back there distract me in any way from what the teacher had to say. My eyesight was perfect, so I had no problem seeing the board from 30 feet away.

One of the most boring college classes I ever had was Human Resources. Not only was the subject matter incredibly dry, but the teacher totally spoon-fed us the book (she didn't lecture so much as just read the chapters to us). To make matters worse, we had to sit in a circle as if we were about to play musical chairs. One afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore, so took an earbud out of my pocket and placed it in my right ear (which faced away from the teacher). I pressed play on my cassette player and listened to a number of country tunes (my favorite genre at the time). That made things a tad more tolerable. A couple people noticed me doing this, but didn't say anything. I'm definitely not the only one who was put to sleep by her. Check out these quotes from her RateMyProfessor page:

"She is so boring! Never actually worked in the industry, so really has no valid teaching experience. Reads right out of the book."

"She makes dirt seem more exciting than this class. She curses like a sailor and rambles."

"Very boring. She will put you to sleep. She can be witty and a little funny at times but dry as hell."

"She is the most boring, old fashioned hag I've ever met."

"Her lecture notes are so old that the paper has a yellow tinge to it."

"She treats you like you're in grade school...every other seat or different color tests so you don't cheat!!! She's a weirdo alright"

"When she talks, watch out, don't sit in the front, cause when she says it, she sprays it as well!"

One class that I still can't believe I made it through was Statistics II. I had to drop it one quarter because I came down with depression. About a year later, I had to take it again, but all they had available was an 8am class twice a week that lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes. Being able to drag my ass to that class every Tuesday and Thursday is something I'm proud of to this day. The man who taught it is actually the husband of the woman who taught the Human Resources class described above. Here's his RateMyProfessor page and some choice quotes from it (you'll notice a pattern start to form):

"Likes to crack jokes just to wake ppl up at 7.30 in the morning"

"Pretty good Prof. He has a nice curve so you should be able to get a B. You'll get a C for sure."

"He likes to make a lot of jokes that occasionally end in awkward silences."

"A mad scientist I say! So many little quirks and idiosyncracies. Awesome guy and fairly easy. Sometimes lectures on a masters level, but doesn't test on it. Makes jokes about material and no one understood it enough to find it funny!"

"The guy tries to have fun in class but he says jokes that no one laughs at because they can't feel their arm from writing notes constantly for an hour and a half."

"Jokes are definitely odd...just laugh and he'll move on..."

Hearing Voices

I believe that I get a bit more enjoyment out of reading than most people. How so? Well, when I read an interview with, say, Conan O'Brien, I recall what he sounds like in real life and then use that voice in my head when reading what he has say. This makes the interview much more interesting as it feels like I'm listening to an audio recording of the person as opposed to just reading about them.

One of the most fun interviews I ever read in this way was a profile of George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon on the release of their film "Ocean's Thirteen" last year.

I loved changing the voices in my head (shit, that makes me sound crazy, dun'it) as each one said what was on their mind. If you've never done this before, give it a shot:

TIME: When you have so many stars in a movie, and it's the third in a trilogy, how do you keep it from going off the rails and becoming Cannonball Run 3?

CLOONEY: Well, we like to think it's more like Lord of the Rings, in the trilogy sense.

PITT: Wait, what's wrong with Cannonball Run 3?

DAMON: I don't even think there was a Cannonball 3. Look, you have us confused with deep thinkers. You've already put more thought into why we did the movie than we did.

TIME: Shall we talk politics for a moment? I'm sure like most actors you're all watching the Republican field, just waiting for a candidate to get behind.

CLOONEY: I'm just hoping Gingrich gets in. Come on, Newt! Actually there's a really good field out there. I like Barack Obama a lot. I've spent some time with him.

PITT: You just cost him votes.

CLOONEY: I've actually had that conversation with him, just saying "Look, I'll give you whatever support you need—including staying completely away from you." Actors have done a lot of damage to candidates lately. My father ran for Congress in 2004, and it was "Hollywood vs. the Heartland!" My father was Hollywood.

PITT: I'm just hungry for some honesty and leadership. And I'm following them all—on all sides.

DAMON: I'm an Obama guy too. I think a lot of the problems in the world would be mitigated if he were the face of our country. I haven't ever met him or talked to him, but he's the first person in a long time who I've been inspired by.

CLOONEY: When other politicians stop and listen, that's how you know what charisma is. You can't teach that. He walks into a room and you go, "That's a leader."

TIME: As we're talking, there are paparazzi in boats out in the harbor taking pictures. Having just been through the celebrity muck of Cannes, who gets it the worst?

CLOONEY: There's no question, it's Brad.

PITT: Well, exponentially, with us together ...

CLOONEY: But even before he was with [Angelina Jolie], we used to chum the water with him.

PITT: This is not a joke. They used to send me out to take the hits.

CLOONEY: We were at the airport in Italy. So I walk off the plane, and it's "Hey, Giorgio!" And I go, "Look! Brad Pitt!" and they're gone.

DAMON: You described it once as "People were stepping on our faces trying to get to Brad."

PITT: Ah, well, I don't take it as a compliment.

I was recently given Obama's 2006 book "The Audacity of Hope". Since I hear Barack's voice in my head as soon as I open the book, I must read each page at the rate and cadence in which he would speak it. This means no speed reading (Obama never speaks fast). It'll take me that much longer to read it, but for authenticity's sake, I think it'll be worth it.

I Was Naughty Yesterday

I went to Wal-Mart, but the behemoth wound up getting the last laugh. I was running an errand right next door, so figured I'd pick up a few groceries. Upon my entry, I noticed a 20-foot tall Christmas tree displayed. Even worse, Christmas music was being played. I looked in my jacket for earplugs, but there were none to be found. I'd have to make this quick.

As I headed to Health & Beauty, I felt a sneeze coming on. I do something quite unique when this happens in public. Just as I'm about to blow, I jump up in the air so that I'm actually airborne as I sneeze. I'm not sure why I do this. Probably just to draw attention. After I did so yesterday, I noticed a guy looking in my direction, but was on too much of a "high" to return his gaze.

The first thing I threw in my buggy were a couple jars of Carmex. I noticed two teens with baseball hats looking at the contraceptives. I saw another guy behind them waiting to pick some up himself. Damn, tis the season...for nookie. I was tempted to go up to the display, take a pack of Magnums off the shelf and then note their reactions, but the Christmas music was tempering my usual playfulness.

Next, I headed to the grocery department. Going through the snacks aisle, I noticed they were out of my favorite chocolate treat, Oreo Cakesters. They had the Double Chocolate Cakesters and the Nilla ones, but not the originals. I knew I'd have to go to Hy-Vee to obtain them in the next couple days.

I was almost out of my Healthy Choice French Bread Supreme Pizzas, so looked forward to picking up a bundle of them. Wouldn't you know, they were out of that, too. They had several dozen of the Pepperoni variety, but that's not what I like to spend my bucks on.

Realizing that the Wall's was out of my two favorite foods convinced me to just get everything at the grocery store. I put the chocolate milk I'd picked up amongst a bunch of refrigerated Butterball turkeys (I was too lazy to drag it back to dairy) so it wouldn't spoil and then left my partially-filled cart near the avocados.

You may have won this time, Wal-Mart, but doggonit, if Al Franken ends up winning the recount, you're gonna be in for a world of hurt.

Change You Can Conceive In

The theory is almost too perfect to be true. Barack Obama, the son of politically progressive parents, was born Aug. 4, 1961—almost nine months to the day after John F. Kennedy was elected to the White House. Is it possible Obama was conceived on that historic night?

And if so, could history repeat itself? In the hours and days since Obama's victory, many of his exhilarated supporters have been, shall we say, in the mood for love.

And though it's too soon to know for sure, experts aren't ruling out the possibility of an Obama baby boom—the kind of blip in the national birth rate that often follows a seismic event, whether it's scary (a terrorist attack) or celebratory (the end of World War II). "The mood of the country and the optimism about leadership is always somewhat related to birth rates," says Dr. Manny Alvarez, chief of reproductive science at Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey. "I'm gearing up for a healthy increase."

Hope and euphoria, says University of Washington sociologist Pepper Schwartz, are a serious aphrodisiac. And voters under 30 went for Obama by a margin of 2 to 1. When you combine those two elements—randy people of child-bearing age—the likely result is what the online Urban Dictionary has already dubbed "Obama Babies" : children "conceived after Obama was proclaimed President, by way of celebratory sex." "If the amount of alcohol, happy people and major functions on election night is any indication, I suspect we'll indeed see a boom," says 25-year-old Brandon Mendelson, a graduate student in Albany, N.Y., who says he changed his vote at the last minute because "I wanted to be able to tell our future children that we voted for Obama."

Continued...

An Ode to Carmex

In the early 90's, being outside quite a bit, I acquired a taste for Chapstick. It was serviceable for a time, but once I had a taste of Carmex, there was no going back.

Every couple weeks, I pick a few jars up at the store. Thankfully, they're not as costly as cigarettes or subject to a sin tax (though they probably should be). If I were deserted on a desert island, there's three things I'd want with me: Carmex, Conversations With God Book I, and my life-partner.

This article talks about the addictiveness of Carmex. Here's some choice bits from it:

"Although Carmex has been available since 1987 in small plastic tubes, the true junkie consumes it only in its original and pure state, from milky-white glass mini-jars. An inch deep and the diameter of a half-dollar, a Carmex pot is not convenient, modern or unobtrusive. In the back pocket of a pair of jeans, it makes you look deformed.

By the time you develop into a full-blown Carmex junkie - after the first swipe is offered by "a friend" - it wouldn't matter if the container were the size of a baby goat. You would carry it everywhere. And stash one in your car and an extra in your desk and another on your nightstand.

The little pot is part of what the grandson of Carmex's creator calls, "the whole gestalt of Carmex." Take the jar away and Carmex loses some of its mystery.

"The jars are kind of our trademark," said Paul Woelbing by phone from Carma Lab, Inc., in Franklin, Wis. "You know, I can recognize the sound of one of those caps coming off even in a big lecture hall."

Can't we all? The easiest way to discover a Carmex addict is to produce a little pot and unscrew the yellow-and-black lid. An addict will pounce, index finger or pinkie extended, and moan, "Ooooh. Can I have some?"

Never in Carmex's history have the Woelbings advertised or marketed their product"

I think the primary reason I like it so much is because once applied, I rarely have to lick my lips. I tried Cherry Carmex a few years ago, but didn't find it medicinal enough for my tastes (pun intended).

To get an idea of how frequently I use it, check this out:

When going to a movie, I put some on before it starts.

When getting a massage, I put a significant amount on since it will be 90 minutes before I can put some on again.

Before starting my shift at work, there is an application.

Before going to bed...

Before making a shit...

Kissing

Chocolate Thunder from Down Under

My long-time readers are well aware that when going to the movies, I like to tell the cashier, "I'll take one to..." and then say a few words that are a twist on the title of the movie I want to see. For some reason, this tends to make me come off as a total dumb-ass.

I've pretty much pressured myself to give a fake title to every movie I go to now. On many afternoons, I'll be in the parking lot and think, "Oh shit, what am I gonna tell the lady?" That's exactly what went through my head last night as I entered the theatre to see the new James Bond movie "Quantum of Solace". Due to my lack of time, all I could come up with was "Quantum Leap". Some inspired ones from this past year can be found below:

The Spiderwick Chronicles - Spider-Man

Iron Man - Steel Man

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Illinois Jones

Hancock - HisCock

Tropic Thunder - Chocolate Thunder from Down Under (a dessert at the Outback)

Pineapple Express - Pineapple Juice

The Happening - What's Happening

Disaster Movie - Scary Movie

House Bunny - Bunny Rabbit

The X-Files - The Sex Files

Ghost Town - Ghost

W. - X.

Zach & Miri Make a Porno - Let's Make a Porno

New York Times - July 4, 2009

2002 Part IV

Since I missed it at first-run, I saw “The Sum of All Fears” starring Affleck and Morgan Freeman at the cheap theatre (trailer).

Based on a book by Tom Clancy about a terrorist attack at the Super Bowl, it shoulda been a winner, but was a bit of a letdown for me.

“The Bourne Identity” starring Affleck’s best friend, Matt Damon, was a much better spy thriller (a 4th “Bourne” film is in the works).

Damon stars as a trained killer who suffers from amnesia, having no idea how it is that he can kill a guy with his bare hands in 12 seconds (he should wear a shirt that says, “Bourne To Be Bad”). Very riveting stuff (trailer).

Being an Adam Sandler fan since his SNL days, I went to “Mr. Deeds” on its opening weekend. After being disappointed by “Big Daddy”, I wasn’t expecting much, but did get a few laughs out of it. I love the opening of the trailer where it says "Rated PG-13 for language and some rear nudity".

“XXX” starring Vin Diesel was (unfortunately) not what you might think. It’s an action vehicle for Diesel (vehicle, Diesel, get it) to show off his stuff. It had one of the weakest climaxes I’ve ever seen in a film in that the final 20 minutes consists of Diesel pursuing an unmanned boat that is carrying a bomb. Most action flicks have a mano-e-mano fight between the two protagonists at its conclusion, not this one. Thumbs down.

One of the worst films I’ve ever seen was one I was talked into seeing at the cheap theatre. The reviews said it was total garbage, but I thought, “What the heck? It can’t be that bad”. It was. The film: “Scooby-Poo”.

“The Ring”, however, is one of my favorites from the year.

The concept is very compelling and based on an Asian film: a videotape is circulating that causes one to die seven days after viewing it. Naomi Watts is brilliant as a newspaper reporter who has a very convincing reason to look into the origin of the tape: she’s already watched it. Another thing I love about the movie is it takes place in Seattle, which perfectly suits the mood of the film. Watts spends some of her time investigating at a lighthouse and has a weird encounter with a horse. Though not on the graphic side (the film is actually rated PG-13), “The Ring” got under my skin big-time. Check out the trailer for a sampling. A lesser sequel was released a couple years later, but it did nothing to lessen my admiration for the original.

Gary Busey on Prayer Hour

Me In a Church

As a favor to a friend, I went to church this past weekend for the first time in more than half a decade. Many things went through my mind while there...

"I could never go to this church. There's not one hot chick to be found".

"Why don't these seats rock?"

"Why do the kids get to read secular materials during the service?"

I'm so used to movie theatres that when a mom and her child kept talking, I really had to restrain myself not to say, "Shhh!"

I was quite surprised to find that I was still able to quickly find Bible books and verses (Galatians is late New Testament, Numbers is early Old). I learned this skill as a young'un.

If only the Bible included the superior Gospel of Thomas; this is my favorite quote from it:

"The Kingdom of God is within you, not in buildings of wood and stone.
Split a piece of wood and I am there, lift a stone and you will find me."

December 25th

I wish Jesus hadn't been born at the end of December. Why? Well, the way it's set up now, there's a logjam of holidays in the last six weeks of the year (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's). I love getting those days off, but the downside is there isn't crap for holidays in the first few months of the new year.

I think it would've been better if the Almighty had been born in, say, early February. That way, when the Christmas season ended, winter would be almost over as well. The way it is now, when Christmas is over, we still have close to 3 months left of winter. :(

Turns out the date was made up, anyway, so what would it hurt to change it to Groundhog's (Christ sees his shadow on the 3rd day)?