Friday, November 21, 2008

I Was Naughty Yesterday

I went to Wal-Mart, but the behemoth wound up getting the last laugh. I was running an errand right next door, so figured I'd pick up a few groceries. Upon my entry, I noticed a 20-foot tall Christmas tree displayed. Even worse, Christmas music was being played. I looked in my jacket for earplugs, but there were none to be found. I'd have to make this quick.

As I headed to Health & Beauty, I felt a sneeze coming on. I do something quite unique when this happens in public. Just as I'm about to blow, I jump up in the air so that I'm actually airborne as I sneeze. I'm not sure why I do this. Probably just to draw attention. After I did so yesterday, I noticed a guy looking in my direction, but was on too much of a "high" to return his gaze.

The first thing I threw in my buggy were a couple jars of Carmex. I noticed two teens with baseball hats looking at the contraceptives. I saw another guy behind them waiting to pick some up himself. Damn, tis the season...for nookie. I was tempted to go up to the display, take a pack of Magnums off the shelf and then note their reactions, but the Christmas music was tempering my usual playfulness.

Next, I headed to the grocery department. Going through the snacks aisle, I noticed they were out of my favorite chocolate treat, Oreo Cakesters. They had the Double Chocolate Cakesters and the Nilla ones, but not the originals. I knew I'd have to go to Hy-Vee to obtain them in the next couple days.

I was almost out of my Healthy Choice French Bread Supreme Pizzas, so looked forward to picking up a bundle of them. Wouldn't you know, they were out of that, too. They had several dozen of the Pepperoni variety, but that's not what I like to spend my bucks on.

Realizing that the Wall's was out of my two favorite foods convinced me to just get everything at the grocery store. I put the chocolate milk I'd picked up amongst a bunch of refrigerated Butterball turkeys (I was too lazy to drag it back to dairy) so it wouldn't spoil and then left my partially-filled cart near the avocados.

You may have won this time, Wal-Mart, but doggonit, if Al Franken ends up winning the recount, you're gonna be in for a world of hurt.


disestablishingpuritanism said...

I don't know, you could be on Santa's naughty list now. Good ole' Wal-Mart. God, I hope Al helps spread unions everywhere. My state, along with 22 others, are deemed "Right to Hire" states. Translation: An employer can fire you and there's nothing you can do about it. Incompetence, greed, etc. by employers needs to stop, and they should be held accountable. I don't believe your democratic rights should be left outside a business' doors. There are a few good companies out there who use a bottom-up process where employees are empowered: Starbucks and Cooper Tires.

Stephanie said...

"I do something quite unique when this happens in public. Just as I'm about to blow, I jump up in the air so that I'm actually airborne as I sneeze."

LMAO ... I love the randomness in this. I might have to try it but especially when I'm sick, I try too hard to concentrate on actually getting the sneeze out before it dies off and leaves me with teary eyes and no sneeze!

I would have loved if you would have pulled off the Magnum gag. Too good for words!!! You have to do that sometime and report back. I would love it if you had a hidden camera so you could post video!!!

I can only imagine the kids looking at you in awe!!! lol

Brian said...

I hate Walmart! I also hate Christmas Music. Of course both are in my near future. :(

I love those Oreo Cakesters.

You should have done the Magnum trick! I'd love to just walk into every store that sells them, grab some Magnums and take them to the counter to see how many awkward looks or smiles I can get.

Good stuff as always Thomas.

Stephanie said...

"I do something quite unique when this happens in public. Just as I'm about to blow, I jump up in the air so that I'm actually airborne as I sneeze."

Okay, I had to come update. I JUST tried this as I felt a sneeze coming on. FAIL! Damn it, I guess I'm one of those people who can't chew gum and walk at the same time! lol

Right as I felt the sneeze approaching, I immediately started to prepare my body for the upward jump and that threw the sneeze off and I yelled, "DAMN IT!". Oh no, I don't give up that easily! I shall try, try again.

Try One Results: No sneeze and no jump. Grrrr!

" ... to see how many awkward looks or smiles I can get."

I'm fairly certain you might get a few phone numbers along the way as well! lol

Rocketstar said...

Damn, thanks Thomas I was rolling. I love it.

Rocketstar said...

Jump and sneeze. That's frickin Candid Camera gold to their faces.

Timothy Smith said...

I wonder how many Magnum condoms are sold to egomaniacs with less then average equipment.

I bet its 98% of total Magnum sales.

Thomas said...

PJ, I'm with you. Nice to hear that some companies are doing the right thing. By rights, I should be frequenting Starbucks, but I can't stand coffee (or cappuccino). Gives me the runs.

Stephanie, in the mid 90's, I did walk around the local grocery store with a pack of Magnums in my hand while the girlfriend did her shopping. While checking out, I would flip tabloid magazines to the most sexual or disgusting pic I could find and put them back on the shelf with that page facing out.

Sorry it didn't work out with the sneeze. Try a couple more times before giving up. If it doesn't work, you can always invest in ping pong balls.

Brian, nice to hear you're also a fan of the Cakesters. I'm looking forward to having one in a few hours. If I have to go to Wal-Mart again this year, I'm bringing my headphones so as not to be exposed to the holiday toonage (sludge).

Rocket, good to hear you enjoyed it.

Tim, I wouldn't be surprised.

houstonmacbro said...

That election still hasn't been declared? Dang.

Melvin Udall said...

I have a fail-safe cure to stop sneezing at all times... always leave the house with a handkerchief. When I do I NEVER EVER sneeze.

The next day I forget to take one and I don't stop sneezing all day!

SODS LAWS #56946

Timothy Smith said...

Does anyone else sneeze when they look at the sun? Seems to be genetic as my brother, father and myself all do it.

Thomas said...

Houston, have a seat. This is gonna take a while.

Melvin, great strategy.

Tim, I do that from time to time. Considering you live in 'Zona, must happen a lot to you.