What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the name Adam Sandler? Does the mention of his name put a smile on your face? Does it make you wanna barf?
I was first introduced to Adam Sandler way back in 1992 when he was a supporting cast member on "Saturday Night Live". Along with Chris Farley, he was my favorite sketch artist. Just seeing him walk on stage was enough to get me laughing.
I was fortunate enough to be able to see him perform stand up at Winona State University back in '92 (The ticket price was $1). He was hilarious and brought the house down with a spot-on impression of Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam was super-hot at this time). If you had told me then that he would go on to become a huge movie star making tens of millions per movie, I would have been happier than a pig in slop. I could not get enough of the guy.
I loved the first movie in which he had a starring role, "Billy Madison" as well as his next movie, "Happy Gilmore". Both crude, obnoxious, and unapolegetic. Next came a passable action-buddy movie with Damon Wayans called "Bulletproof". In 1998, "The Wedding Singer" was released. It was a good movie, but no where near as funny as his first 2 films. The "sweetness" of his character had been jacked up. There were less laugh-out-loud moments and more "cute" ones. And that has been my biggest problem with his more recent movies (2003's "Anger Management" is my favorite movie of his from the last 5 years).
Will his new pic, "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" be too earnest at the expense of laughs? I'm not sure, but I'll let you know.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Would You Do It?
MENOMONIE, Wis. - Debbie Hulleman's dog Pepper has been known to gnaw on lipstick, munch on shampoo bottles and chew on toothpaste. But Pepper got Hulleman into a real mess after gobbling nearly $750.
"This is probably the worst," Hulleman said Thursday, recalling how she poked through vomit and dog piles left in the yard to recover the cash.
Hulleman had asked her mother in Oakdale, Minn., to take care of Pepper and Zach, the family's other dog last month while she and husband went on vacation.
Pepper, an 8-year-old black Labrador-German shorthair, got into a purse belonging to her mother's friend and chewed the cash from an envelope.
Hulleman's mother recovered some of the money that Pepper spit out, thinking she had it all. But when Hulleman returned from the trip and went to clean up her dogs' mess outside, she noticed a $50 bill hanging from one pile.
The chore of sorting through dog feces netted about $400, the 50-year-old dog lover said. Between that and other bills that Pepper had either vomited or simply chewed on, the family recovered $647.
"We have a $100 bill that can't be recovered because you need three-fourths of a bill and it is only half of a bill," Hulleman said.
The family swapped the soiled money for fresh currency at a bank.
"It wasn't that bad. I soaked it and strained it and rinsed it. I just kept rinsing it and rinsing it. I had rubber gloves on of course," Hulleman said.
"Everyone said, 'I can't believe you did that.' Well, for $400, yeah, I would do that," she said.
"This is probably the worst," Hulleman said Thursday, recalling how she poked through vomit and dog piles left in the yard to recover the cash.
Hulleman had asked her mother in Oakdale, Minn., to take care of Pepper and Zach, the family's other dog last month while she and husband went on vacation.
Pepper, an 8-year-old black Labrador-German shorthair, got into a purse belonging to her mother's friend and chewed the cash from an envelope.
Hulleman's mother recovered some of the money that Pepper spit out, thinking she had it all. But when Hulleman returned from the trip and went to clean up her dogs' mess outside, she noticed a $50 bill hanging from one pile.
The chore of sorting through dog feces netted about $400, the 50-year-old dog lover said. Between that and other bills that Pepper had either vomited or simply chewed on, the family recovered $647.
"We have a $100 bill that can't be recovered because you need three-fourths of a bill and it is only half of a bill," Hulleman said.
The family swapped the soiled money for fresh currency at a bank.
"It wasn't that bad. I soaked it and strained it and rinsed it. I just kept rinsing it and rinsing it. I had rubber gloves on of course," Hulleman said.
"Everyone said, 'I can't believe you did that.' Well, for $400, yeah, I would do that," she said.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
2000 Part III
Concluding my look at the films I saw in the year 2000, in September, I went to Cameron Crowe's minor masterpiece, "Almost Famous" (which starred and was a breakthrough role for Goldie Hawn's daughter, Kate Hudson). I also went to "Best in Show", a mockumentary of dog shows that wasn't quite as funny as I was hoping.
In October, I caught Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro in "Meet the Parents". This is another one that wasn't as funny as I was hoping, but was passable, I guess. I got more laughs out of "The Ladies Man".
Richard Gere starred as a gynecologist in the weak, "Dr. T and the Women". "Pay It Forward" had a great message though the film wound up being a bit overwrought. I found "Charlie's Angels" to be quite fun. "Blair Witch 2", on the other hand, was one of the worst movies I've ever seen (I did like the first one). I found Adam Sandler as the son of the devil in "Little Nicky" quite amusing. One of my fave lines from it:
Nicky: I'm from the South. The Deep South.
Jim Carrey was good as the "The Grinch", but personally, I found the film a bit lacking in heart. Schwarzenegger was pretty good in the near-future thriller, "The 6th Day", but I felt the film came apart a bit at the end. If you're not familiar with the movie, it's about a man who meets a clone of himself and then stumbles into a conspiracy about clones taking over the world. "Unbreakable" was a solid suspenser starring Bruce and Samuel L.
One of my favorite dramas of all-time came out in November of 2000. Starring Laura Linney, Mark Ruffalo, Rory Culkin, and Matthew Broderick, the movie is called, "You Can Count On Me". Here's a quick synopsis: A single mother's life is thrown into turmoil after her struggling, rarely-seen younger brother returns to town. The acting in the film is just perfect and the movie really is a great example of why I like going to the movie show frequently. Not every flick is a masterpiece, but when you see a really good one, it's all worth it. Sample dialogue:
Terry (Mark Ruffalo): Put on your seat belt.
Rudy (Rory Culkin): It pushes on my neck.
Terry: What?
Rudy: It pushes on my neck, it's uncomfortable.
Terry: Well, when someone slams into us and you go sailing through the windshield, that's liable to be uncomfortable, too. Now, put on a seat belt.
In October, I caught Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro in "Meet the Parents". This is another one that wasn't as funny as I was hoping, but was passable, I guess. I got more laughs out of "The Ladies Man".
Sample line: "My name is Leon Phelps, and to those of you that are uninitiated, I am an expert in the ways of love. I have made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society... bus station skank."
Richard Gere starred as a gynecologist in the weak, "Dr. T and the Women". "Pay It Forward" had a great message though the film wound up being a bit overwrought. I found "Charlie's Angels" to be quite fun. "Blair Witch 2", on the other hand, was one of the worst movies I've ever seen (I did like the first one). I found Adam Sandler as the son of the devil in "Little Nicky" quite amusing. One of my fave lines from it:
Nicky: I'm from the South. The Deep South.
Jim Carrey was good as the "The Grinch", but personally, I found the film a bit lacking in heart. Schwarzenegger was pretty good in the near-future thriller, "The 6th Day", but I felt the film came apart a bit at the end. If you're not familiar with the movie, it's about a man who meets a clone of himself and then stumbles into a conspiracy about clones taking over the world. "Unbreakable" was a solid suspenser starring Bruce and Samuel L.
One of my favorite dramas of all-time came out in November of 2000. Starring Laura Linney, Mark Ruffalo, Rory Culkin, and Matthew Broderick, the movie is called, "You Can Count On Me". Here's a quick synopsis: A single mother's life is thrown into turmoil after her struggling, rarely-seen younger brother returns to town. The acting in the film is just perfect and the movie really is a great example of why I like going to the movie show frequently. Not every flick is a masterpiece, but when you see a really good one, it's all worth it. Sample dialogue:
Terry (Mark Ruffalo): Put on your seat belt.
Rudy (Rory Culkin): It pushes on my neck.
Terry: What?
Rudy: It pushes on my neck, it's uncomfortable.
Terry: Well, when someone slams into us and you go sailing through the windshield, that's liable to be uncomfortable, too. Now, put on a seat belt.
Terry: You mind if I ask you a personal question?
Rudy: I don't know.
Terry: Do you like it here, I mean in Scottsville?
Rudy: Yeah.
Terry: Why?
Rudy: I don't know, my friends are here, I like the scenery... I don't know.
Terry: I know, I know, it's just so... there's nothing to do here.
Rudy: Yes, there is.
Terry: No, there isn't, man. It's narrow. It's dull. It's a dull, narrow town full of dull, narrow people who don't know anything except what things are like right around here. They have no perspective whatsoever, no scope. They might as well be living in the 19th century 'cause they have no idea what's going on, and if you try and tell 'em that they wanna fucking kill you.
Rudy: What are you talking about?
Terry: I have no idea... you're a good kid.
"Quills" was a pretty decent period film starring Kate Winslet. "CastAway" starring Tom Hanks was a heck of a tour de force. I couldn't help but feel for the guy even as he started talking to Wilson, a volleyball. Ashton Kutcher was the main attraction in "Dude, Where's My Car?", but I didn't laugh too much during it. Mel Gibson, however, was quite solid in "What Women Want". George Clooney was pretty good in the Coen brothers', "O Brother Where Art Thou?" Another of my favorites from the year was, "Traffic", a movie about drugs and the drug trade. One of the choice storylines is a conservative judge (Michael Douglas) appointed by the President to spearhead America's escalating war against drugs who discovers that his teenage daughter is an addict. One other enjoyable film from that year was, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". My friend thought the film lost all credibility when the man and woman started fighting in the treetops, but I just went with it.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Summertime at the Movies
About 3 years ago, I was looking around at the local Goodwill store and saw a relatively new paperback book by Stephen King on the shelf. It was a collection of short stories called, "Everything's Eventual". I prefer to read King's short stories over his full novels. The shorts are less of an investment and get to the point much faster. Don't get me wrong. I am a pretty big fan of foreplay (just not when it comes to reading).
One of the stories in "Eventual" is called "1408". I remember reading it one early evening laying on my bed. It was a pretty good read. Imagine my surprise when I heard that it was being made into a motion picture starring John Cusack as the protagonist. King films are usually a hit-or-miss affair, but there have been a number of good ones.
Earlier this month, the reviews started coming in for the new movie. They were generally positive. I didn't get around to seeing the flick over its first couple weeks of release, but finally managed to yesterday afternoon. Though it was only PG-13 and not R, there was plenty of creepiness to be found over the film's 94 minutes. Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson were both solid in a film that could've easily slipped off into the deep end.
One of the stories in "Eventual" is called "1408". I remember reading it one early evening laying on my bed. It was a pretty good read. Imagine my surprise when I heard that it was being made into a motion picture starring John Cusack as the protagonist. King films are usually a hit-or-miss affair, but there have been a number of good ones.
Earlier this month, the reviews started coming in for the new movie. They were generally positive. I didn't get around to seeing the flick over its first couple weeks of release, but finally managed to yesterday afternoon. Though it was only PG-13 and not R, there was plenty of creepiness to be found over the film's 94 minutes. Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson were both solid in a film that could've easily slipped off into the deep end.
I wasn't entirely enraptured by the movie (as I hoped I'd be), but if you enjoy movies like the "The Ring" and "The Others", this is similarly spooky (though not quite as good as either).
Friday, July 13, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
2000 Part II
Continuing my look at the movies I went to in 2000, in May, I went to what turned out to be my favorite movie of the year. It's a fantastic epic that won Best Picture and Best Actor for Russell Crowe. It was the movie that kicked off the summer of '00. I'm talkin' about "Gladiator".
Later that month, I saw a very funny, raunchy comedy called "Road Trip". "Shanghai Noon" was a pleasant film that starred Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson. In an overview of Tom Cruise movies that I did some time ago, I mentioned how kick-ass "Mission Impossible: II" was (especially the motorcycle chase late in the movie).
Two of my all-time favorite comedies came out in the summer of 2000. The first reteamed Jim Carrey with the Farrelly brothers: "Me, Myself, and Irene". It was great to see Jim in an R-rated movie where he could swear up a storm without the restrictions of a PG-13 rating. The other was also R-rated, a sendup of horror movies put together by the Wayans brothers. I went to it 3 times that summer, "Scary Movie".
This is one of my favorite scenes from "Scary Movie":
CINDY: Hi. You had me worried there for a minute. I thought the killer got to you before I could.
INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM – NIGHT
INT. CINDY'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT The party stops. The house shakes. Plaster falls from the ceiling. A loud howling noise is echoed throughout the house.
INT. CINDY'S ROOM – NIGHT Bobby feels himself ready to climax.
I saw Mel Gibson voice a rooster in "Chicken Run" and play a colonial-era revolutionary in "The Patriot". I also saw Bruce Willis in "The Kid". Harrison Ford had a good turn in the suspenseful "What Lies Beneath", Eddie Murphy was funny in "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps", Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones were OK, but a bit dull in "Space Cowboys".
About halfway through the movie, Maximus exclaims to a large crowd, "Are you not entertained?!", and indeed, I was.
Later that month, I saw a very funny, raunchy comedy called "Road Trip". "Shanghai Noon" was a pleasant film that starred Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson. In an overview of Tom Cruise movies that I did some time ago, I mentioned how kick-ass "Mission Impossible: II" was (especially the motorcycle chase late in the movie).
Two of my all-time favorite comedies came out in the summer of 2000. The first reteamed Jim Carrey with the Farrelly brothers: "Me, Myself, and Irene". It was great to see Jim in an R-rated movie where he could swear up a storm without the restrictions of a PG-13 rating. The other was also R-rated, a sendup of horror movies put together by the Wayans brothers. I went to it 3 times that summer, "Scary Movie".
This is one of my favorite scenes from "Scary Movie":
CINDY: Hi. You had me worried there for a minute. I thought the killer got to you before I could.
BOBBY: Could what?
Cindy kisses him in an obviously drunk and slutty way.
CINDY: Why don't we go ahead upstairs and whatever…
Bobby and Cindy walk hand and hand upstairs.
INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Cindy and Bobby sitting on the bed, talking.
CINDY: So….
BOBBY: So, here we are again.
CINDY: Yeah.
BOBBY: And if you're not ready still,I'll understand.
CINDY: But I am ready.
BOBBY: You are?
CINDY: Yeah, I figured out that I have to live my own life and I can't keep fighting my urges. I have to give in and let them flow.
BOBBY: This is like a scene in a movie.
CINDY: Only this is real life, it's not a movie.
BOBBY: Sure it is..There's the sound man and the script supervisor...
WE SEE THE SOUND MAN AND SCRIPT SUPERVISOR WATCHING.
CINDY: What I mean is in real life you have to enjoy each moment.
Cindy takes off her shirt. Bobby does the same. They kiss passionately, licking each others' mouths, flicking their tongues. The two tongues start wildly slapping and lapping together until they end up hopelessly tied and knotted together. Cindy and Bobby lay down on the bed. Cindy starts to kiss his chest. She works her way down to his belly button then starts back up. Bobby gingerly pushes her head back down. They play tug of war. Finally, Cindy surrenders. She unzips his pants. Cindy looks up innocently.
CINDY: You know, I've never really done this before.
BOBBY: It's okay. It's just like sucking a tootsie pop.
Cindy lowers her head. We hear the sounds.Lick! Lick! Slurp!
BOBBY: That's it, that's right. Just like that.
Slurp. Suddenly CRUNCH! Bobby screams with pain.
CINDY: I never could wait to get to the chewy middle.
Bobby recovers.
BOBBY: Come here, let me.
Bobby slides off Cindy's pants. He's startled by bats flying out. They continue to make out. He tries to take off her panties, but struggles.
CINDY: Here, let me.
His eyes gleam with heated anticipation as she lowers her panties. Cindy grabs him by the head and pushes it down. She moans with ecstasy. We hearBobby struggling to breath.
CINDY: To the left! Faster! Higher! Wait!
She draws him a map and gives it to him along with a compass. Cindy finally lets Bobby up. He coughs up a hairball.
CINDY: I want sex.
BOBBY: Okay, let me just get my pants off.
Bobby stands up and takes off his pants.
BOBBY: Are you sure?
CINDY: I want it now!
She slams him down, tears the remainder of his clothes off and begins to ride him like a human sit and spin.
INT. CINDY'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT The party stops. The house shakes. Plaster falls from the ceiling. A loud howling noise is echoed throughout the house.
INT. CINDY'S ROOM – NIGHT Bobby feels himself ready to climax.
BOBBY: Oh my God! I can't hold it..OOOOO!!!
He cums, sending Cindy blasting off into the air as he shoots a geyser of jizz. Close on Bobby, his body caves in as fluids leave his body. Cindy is stuck to the ceiling.
I saw Mel Gibson voice a rooster in "Chicken Run" and play a colonial-era revolutionary in "The Patriot". I also saw Bruce Willis in "The Kid". Harrison Ford had a good turn in the suspenseful "What Lies Beneath", Eddie Murphy was funny in "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps", Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones were OK, but a bit dull in "Space Cowboys".
Here's a synopsis of that movie's plot:
Catharine Deane (J-Lo) is a psychotherapist who is part of a revolutionary new treatment which allows her mind to literally enter the mind of her patients. Her experience in this method takes an unexpected turn when an FBI agent comes to ask for a desperate favor. They had just tracked down a notorious serial killer, Carl Stargher, whose MO is to abduct women one at a time and place them in a secret area where they are kept for about 40 hours until they are slowly drowned. Unfortunately, the killer has fallen into an irreversible coma which means he cannot confess where he has taken his latest victim before she dies. Now, Catherine Deane must race against time to explore the twisted mind of the killer to get the information she needs, but Stargher's damaged personality poses dangers that threaten to overwhelm her.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Internet Crash
Officials confirm that all online data has been lost after the Internet crashed and was forced to restart.
Sambo's
In the late 70's and early 80's, there was many a Sunday afternoon in which our family would go to a restaurant called Sambo's. I don't recall if the food was good, but it must've been pretty decent. I do remember, on many occasions, my father going up to the register and picking up a toothpick as he paid the bill.My most memorable meal there was an afternoon in 1983. It was our whole family, all 7 of us. We were seated in a back room that offered more seating than just booths and small tables. It was quite crowded there as usual. While we waited for our food to come, my dad told my mom about a business arrangement he had set up with a mutual friend, Doris, in which they (he and Doris) would rent motor homes to customers. My mom was mighty perturbed saying he should have told her about this before committing to it. I have a feeling he got his head chewed off even more later that night when they were alone with the kids in bed. Perhaps this was one of the factors that led her to seek a divorce the following year. Either way, Sambo's days were numbered (In the next few years, virtually all the Sambo's closed or were turned into Denny's).
The restaurant in Winona is a Beier's now, but when I go back there, I can't help but recall what it used to be, all those years ago.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Sunday Drive
Yesterday afternoon, I did something I've not done in years. I ate in a car. I never eat in the car. I'd rather be doin' my munchin' in a restaurant or at home. However, yesterday I went with a friend to Spring Valley (a small town located about 25 miles from Rochester). Spring Valley has a drive-in A&W restaurant. If you didn't know, A&W has pretty dang good burgers. The only A&W in Rochester is in the food court at the mall and I rarely hit the mall, so I just had to take the Whoppertunity to eat at the home of the frosty mug. We pulled in, rolled down our windows, and took a look at the menu. We pushed a button on the menu board and placed our order. About 10 minutes later, a lady on roller skates came out with our order. Alright, she didn't actually have skates on. We had the air on as we ate (the outside temp was 95) and headed back to Rochester with full stomachs and frosty little mugs dancing in our heads.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Side Splitting
Diet pill’s icky side effects keep users honest
Sometimes, you can’t stop your weight-loss secrets from leaking out.
Dieters have been flocking to drugstores to pick up Alli, the first over-the-counter weight-loss pill to be approved by the FDA, despite the scary warning: Stray too far from your low-fat diet and you just might poop your pants.
The drug’s maker, GlaxoSmithKline, has been up front about the pill’s side effects, suggesting that first timers wear dark pants or bring a change of clothes to work until they get used to the diet pill’s potentially yucky consequences.
Still, it seems there’s no shortage of people willing to risk public humiliation to shed a few pounds. Even though pharmacist Miyuki Anderson, who works at a Bartell Drugs in Seattle, warns everyone who eyes the Alli display about the messy side effects, it doesn’t stop most of them from buying the diet pill. (Anderson does, however, arm them with this helpful tip: “I tell the patients, try when you have a day off.”)
The drugmaker states very clearly that it’s no miracle drug, and only promises to help people toward moderate weight loss. For example, if someone were to lose 10 pounds from dieting, they’d lose 15 by combining their diet with Alli.
The diet pill works by blocking 25 percent of fat from being digested. Alli users take one pill with every meal, and to avoid an “Alli oops,” they should eat less than 42 grams of fat a day, or about 15 grams per meal. But those fat grams can be sneaky. One grande Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino contains 15 grams of fat, and if an Alli user adds even a low-fat muffin to that meal, it could get icky.
“It’s so important to understand that you must adopt a low-fat, healthy lifestyle,” Jones says. “We call them treatment effects — that’s a signal for you that you’re not staying in the guidelines. What Alli will not do is make up for not living a healthy lifestyle.”
But we don’t always like to bother with directions. Those who haven’t completely followed instructions offer cautionary tales on the drug company’s Web site.
“(I)’ve pooped my pants 3 times today, and sorry to get descriptive but it even leaked onto the couch at one point!” writes one user.
It can strike any time — even in the early hours of the morning. One user writes: “(Y)a know how when you start moving around in the morning ya pass a little gas. Well, I did and then went into the bathroom and to my horror I had an orange river of grease running down my leg.”
Fellow cheaters advise each other on the best clean-up methods, and some even suggest using panty liners or Depends. One frugal user noted, “I’m thinking that infant diapers might be a cheaper way to go, just use them as a large pad.”
The gross side effects might scare away the less-committed, but some experts appreciate Alli’s very real, very immediate consequences of cheating on your diet.
“It forces you to eat a lower-fat diet — if you don’t, you’re violently penalized for not doing so,” says David Sarwer, the director of clinical services at the Center for Weight Loss and Eating Disorders. “When they eat a little too much fat, they’ll learn not to do it again.”
The drugmaker claims Alli is promoting healthier lifestyles by teaching users that weight loss involves eating healthy food and getting enough exercise — and Sarwer agrees.
“People who are struggling with their weight assume that thin people never think about what they eat,” Sarwer says. “I’ve always been impressed by patients who really rolled with the punches with some of these events. They say, ‘Well, I learned that I couldn’t do that. It taught me to eat differently.’ And that’s where I think Alli can be the greatest benefit.”
Side effects are avoidable. Some Alli enthusiasts have been conscientious enough to avoid any side effects. Carole McMahan, who’s trying to lose 10 pounds, started taking Alli the day the product hit drugstore shelves on June 15, and has been careful to follow the low-fat diet.
“No pun intended, but I’m very anal about it,” says McMahan, who’s 44 and lives in Greensboro, N.C. She appreciates the way Alli holds her accountable to her eating habits.
“I started very cautiously, and I’ve just grown more and more comfortable with it,” McMahan says. “I just follow the diet. I knew I couldn’t go out and order hot fudge cake.”
Still, as some obesity experts point out, if you’ve made a change in your eating habits, why is a diet pill necessary? Drewnowski, the Seattle public-health researcher, says that hearing “Alli oops” stories frustrates him.
“I think it's utterly revolting, frankly,” Drewnowski says. “It controls your life — you focus on it all day. It’s like walking around with a colostomy bag.”
Instead of investing money in a diet pill, he encourages people to take the money they would’ve spent on Alli and put it toward buying healthier food. (A 20-day supply of Alli costs about $45 to $55.)
“See how much money you are spending on food daily,” Drewnowski says. “Factor in the extra amount for this drug and spend the entire amount on better food. You'll be happier and better nourished — and not obese.”
He adds, “I can't think that a healthy lifestyle requires carrying a spare pair of underpants.”
Sometimes, you can’t stop your weight-loss secrets from leaking out.
Dieters have been flocking to drugstores to pick up Alli, the first over-the-counter weight-loss pill to be approved by the FDA, despite the scary warning: Stray too far from your low-fat diet and you just might poop your pants.
The drug’s maker, GlaxoSmithKline, has been up front about the pill’s side effects, suggesting that first timers wear dark pants or bring a change of clothes to work until they get used to the diet pill’s potentially yucky consequences.
Still, it seems there’s no shortage of people willing to risk public humiliation to shed a few pounds. Even though pharmacist Miyuki Anderson, who works at a Bartell Drugs in Seattle, warns everyone who eyes the Alli display about the messy side effects, it doesn’t stop most of them from buying the diet pill. (Anderson does, however, arm them with this helpful tip: “I tell the patients, try when you have a day off.”)
The drugmaker states very clearly that it’s no miracle drug, and only promises to help people toward moderate weight loss. For example, if someone were to lose 10 pounds from dieting, they’d lose 15 by combining their diet with Alli.
The diet pill works by blocking 25 percent of fat from being digested. Alli users take one pill with every meal, and to avoid an “Alli oops,” they should eat less than 42 grams of fat a day, or about 15 grams per meal. But those fat grams can be sneaky. One grande Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino contains 15 grams of fat, and if an Alli user adds even a low-fat muffin to that meal, it could get icky.
“It’s so important to understand that you must adopt a low-fat, healthy lifestyle,” Jones says. “We call them treatment effects — that’s a signal for you that you’re not staying in the guidelines. What Alli will not do is make up for not living a healthy lifestyle.”
But we don’t always like to bother with directions. Those who haven’t completely followed instructions offer cautionary tales on the drug company’s Web site.
“(I)’ve pooped my pants 3 times today, and sorry to get descriptive but it even leaked onto the couch at one point!” writes one user.
It can strike any time — even in the early hours of the morning. One user writes: “(Y)a know how when you start moving around in the morning ya pass a little gas. Well, I did and then went into the bathroom and to my horror I had an orange river of grease running down my leg.”
Fellow cheaters advise each other on the best clean-up methods, and some even suggest using panty liners or Depends. One frugal user noted, “I’m thinking that infant diapers might be a cheaper way to go, just use them as a large pad.”
The gross side effects might scare away the less-committed, but some experts appreciate Alli’s very real, very immediate consequences of cheating on your diet.
“It forces you to eat a lower-fat diet — if you don’t, you’re violently penalized for not doing so,” says David Sarwer, the director of clinical services at the Center for Weight Loss and Eating Disorders. “When they eat a little too much fat, they’ll learn not to do it again.”
The drugmaker claims Alli is promoting healthier lifestyles by teaching users that weight loss involves eating healthy food and getting enough exercise — and Sarwer agrees.
“People who are struggling with their weight assume that thin people never think about what they eat,” Sarwer says. “I’ve always been impressed by patients who really rolled with the punches with some of these events. They say, ‘Well, I learned that I couldn’t do that. It taught me to eat differently.’ And that’s where I think Alli can be the greatest benefit.”
Side effects are avoidable. Some Alli enthusiasts have been conscientious enough to avoid any side effects. Carole McMahan, who’s trying to lose 10 pounds, started taking Alli the day the product hit drugstore shelves on June 15, and has been careful to follow the low-fat diet.
“No pun intended, but I’m very anal about it,” says McMahan, who’s 44 and lives in Greensboro, N.C. She appreciates the way Alli holds her accountable to her eating habits.
“I started very cautiously, and I’ve just grown more and more comfortable with it,” McMahan says. “I just follow the diet. I knew I couldn’t go out and order hot fudge cake.”
Still, as some obesity experts point out, if you’ve made a change in your eating habits, why is a diet pill necessary? Drewnowski, the Seattle public-health researcher, says that hearing “Alli oops” stories frustrates him.
“I think it's utterly revolting, frankly,” Drewnowski says. “It controls your life — you focus on it all day. It’s like walking around with a colostomy bag.”
Instead of investing money in a diet pill, he encourages people to take the money they would’ve spent on Alli and put it toward buying healthier food. (A 20-day supply of Alli costs about $45 to $55.)
“See how much money you are spending on food daily,” Drewnowski says. “Factor in the extra amount for this drug and spend the entire amount on better food. You'll be happier and better nourished — and not obese.”
He adds, “I can't think that a healthy lifestyle requires carrying a spare pair of underpants.”
Thursday, July 05, 2007
First hand account from one of my brothers
The following took place in the early 90's:
I had just bought a slingshot and wanted to practice with it. I remember going into the blue building and the garage door was open, the one facing Broadway. I saw a screw laying on the floor in there and loaded it into the slingshot.
This guy in a station wagon passed by and stopped at the stop sign. He then started driving up the block. I walked out of the garage and just aimed up the street at him. I couldn't believe it, it took out his back window with the first shot I ever made with that! His brake lights came on, and he majorly hit them hard, his whole rear end came pretty high up off the ground. He must have thought someone was shooting a gun at him.
I flew back into the garage and then came out that one door facing the brown building and never ran so fast into the house and then hid out for a while.
I had just bought a slingshot and wanted to practice with it. I remember going into the blue building and the garage door was open, the one facing Broadway. I saw a screw laying on the floor in there and loaded it into the slingshot.
This guy in a station wagon passed by and stopped at the stop sign. He then started driving up the block. I walked out of the garage and just aimed up the street at him. I couldn't believe it, it took out his back window with the first shot I ever made with that! His brake lights came on, and he majorly hit them hard, his whole rear end came pretty high up off the ground. He must have thought someone was shooting a gun at him.
I flew back into the garage and then came out that one door facing the brown building and never ran so fast into the house and then hid out for a while.
I was pretty scared, but nothing happened luckily.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Boozin'
Some of you may be wondering if I've had any pleasant alcohol experiences of late. Well, after being hooked on the fuzzy navel for some time, I've moved on to the screwdriver (OJ and vodka). As a kid, I drank orange juice all the time. Now, I never even buy the stuff (too acidy for my tastes these days). I first tried the driver about 2 weeks ago. Damn! It tasted like pure vodka! I told the barkeep and she brought out some more OJ to help dilute the hard stuff. Ahh. That's better. My head started buzzin' a tick. This one lady was talkin', but I was hearing her as if from a distance (it's hard to explain). Let me just say that it was interesting. I had another one this past weekend. I hear that a Long Island Iced Tea is the shit. Perhaps one day I'll find out for myself...
On Friday evening, I was with some friends on the patio of a bar. We were all sitting around a fire pit. I went to the bar to get a beer for my main squeeze. I headed back to the pit with her change in my hand. I thought of something amusing I could do and went for it. With 6 bucks in my hand, I pretended to trip just a few feet from the pit and then bent over forwards, getting really close to the fire in the process (the bills were just a few inches from the flames). A few people started laughing (it's not difficult to make those who've had a few do so) and I took another sip of my driver. That's summertime for ya.
Enjoy your 4th, kiddies!
On Friday evening, I was with some friends on the patio of a bar. We were all sitting around a fire pit. I went to the bar to get a beer for my main squeeze. I headed back to the pit with her change in my hand. I thought of something amusing I could do and went for it. With 6 bucks in my hand, I pretended to trip just a few feet from the pit and then bent over forwards, getting really close to the fire in the process (the bills were just a few inches from the flames). A few people started laughing (it's not difficult to make those who've had a few do so) and I took another sip of my driver. That's summertime for ya.
Enjoy your 4th, kiddies!
Monday, July 02, 2007
2000
Remember how happy everyone was in January of 2000? All those zeroes couldn't help but put a big smile on everyone's face. I went to tons of movies that year, so let's get it started.
In the early part of the year, I saw "Snow Day". Not the greatest, but it was good to see Chevy Chase back. "Boiler Room" was an interesting "Wall Street"-type movie. My favorite scenes were the ones in which Ben Affleck, as a successful businessman, was "motivating" his underlings:
Jim Young (Ben Affleck): They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the fucking smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby. Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't fucking have any. There's an important phrase that we use here, and I think it's time that you all learned it. Act as if. You understand what that means? Act as if you are the fucking President of this firm. Act as if you got a 9" cock. Okay? Act as if. You become an employee of this firm, you will make your first million within three years. I'm gonna repeat that - you will make a million dollars.
I was a big fan of the "Scream" movies, so was first in line for the final installment, "Scream 3". It was a decent send off for the trilogy. "Hanging Up" was a total chick flick starring Meg Ryan and Diane Keaton. I didn't care for it very much. Same goes for Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry in "The Whole Nine Yards". Michael Douglas and Tobey Maguire were fantastic in "Wonder Boys", however. I look forward to revisiting the film sometime soon. Me and Shanon went to see Garry Shandling in "What Planet Are You From?" (pretty weak). "Erin Brockovich", on the other hand, was excellent with Julia very deserving of the Oscar she won for it.
One of the most compelling plots for a movie can be found in "Final Destination": "Alex, a teen has a premonition that a flight he's on headed to France will crash. He convinces his friends not to board the flight and the plane does crash. Soon after though, the teens are stalked and killed by Death who is intent on collecting the souls of those who cheated it". It does make you wonder if there is a certain time in which one is "supposed" to die and what happens if you don't. The opening 30 minutes of the movie are just fantastic.
I saw "Malcolm in the Middle's" Frankie Muniz in the heartwarming, "My Dog Skip".
In the early part of the year, I saw "Snow Day". Not the greatest, but it was good to see Chevy Chase back. "Boiler Room" was an interesting "Wall Street"-type movie. My favorite scenes were the ones in which Ben Affleck, as a successful businessman, was "motivating" his underlings:
Jim Young (Ben Affleck): They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the fucking smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby. Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't fucking have any. There's an important phrase that we use here, and I think it's time that you all learned it. Act as if. You understand what that means? Act as if you are the fucking President of this firm. Act as if you got a 9" cock. Okay? Act as if. You become an employee of this firm, you will make your first million within three years. I'm gonna repeat that - you will make a million dollars.
I was a big fan of the "Scream" movies, so was first in line for the final installment, "Scream 3". It was a decent send off for the trilogy. "Hanging Up" was a total chick flick starring Meg Ryan and Diane Keaton. I didn't care for it very much. Same goes for Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry in "The Whole Nine Yards". Michael Douglas and Tobey Maguire were fantastic in "Wonder Boys", however. I look forward to revisiting the film sometime soon. Me and Shanon went to see Garry Shandling in "What Planet Are You From?" (pretty weak). "Erin Brockovich", on the other hand, was excellent with Julia very deserving of the Oscar she won for it.
One of the most compelling plots for a movie can be found in "Final Destination": "Alex, a teen has a premonition that a flight he's on headed to France will crash. He convinces his friends not to board the flight and the plane does crash. Soon after though, the teens are stalked and killed by Death who is intent on collecting the souls of those who cheated it". It does make you wonder if there is a certain time in which one is "supposed" to die and what happens if you don't. The opening 30 minutes of the movie are just fantastic.
I saw "Malcolm in the Middle's" Frankie Muniz in the heartwarming, "My Dog Skip".
Excellent movie, especially if you're a dog lover. As Skip got older in the movie, I remember sadly reflecting that one day my own Zoe would get old. Little did I know that her passing would occur later that same year (at the too-young age of 3 and a half).
I enjoyed John Cusack and a then-relatively unknown Jack Black in "High Fidelity". "Keeping the Faith" was an interesting flick (it's about two friends, a priest and a rabbi, who fall in love with the same beauty). "28 Days", which starred Sandra Bullock as a woman in rehab was passable. "Return To Me", starring David Duchovny, was a very enjoyable romantic dramedy.
Matthew McConaughey was kick-ass (along with Jon Bon Jovi!) in the submarine thriller "U-571". "Frequency" was a very good kinda-time-travel movie starring Dennis Quaid.
And that takes us through the first 4 months of '00.
I shall continue this overview soon.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Let's Go To Nashville!
In the summer of 1983, our family went on a vacation to Nashville, Tennessee. It took a couple days to get there. We drove down in a real neato RV. Driving in an RV was cool. You could lay down in the bed in the back if you were tired, chew on some munchies at the kitchen table if you got hungry, and take a leak (or worse) in the bathroom if necessary.
Once we arrived in Nashville, we headed first for the Nashville KOA. There were probably hundreds of RV's parked there. Some people just had pop-ups, but that doesn't mean we thought we were better than them. They had a freakin' huge arcade in the main building. All my favorite games were there, including Gyruss and Tempest. And lots of food. This was gonna be cool.
The next day, we headed out to the Opryland amusement park. They had a crapload of music shows to see, but also quite a few rides like the roller coaster, merry-go-round, etc. I remember being flabbergasted at how many people my age were wearing these shirts:
I wish I could have been as cool as they. One other thing I remember about that day is my sister getting sick and throwing up. My parents kept an eye on her the rest of the day. Incidentally, the Opryland amusement park closed its doors in 1997 mostly because they didn't have any more room in which to put newer rides to keep up with the times.
While in Nashville, we also went on a bus tour through some of the notable areas in town, including the Parthenon, a full-scale reproduction of the original Greek one.
On one of the evenings, we went into the KOA campgrounds' concert hall. We listened to some good ol' country music and actually had our picture taken with one of the singers. That singer ended up being...get ready...Vince Gill.
Just kidding, but wouldn't that have been something?
We also went to the Grand Ole Opry. I was into pop music at this time, but it was a pretty good show.
Next, we were off to Memphis and Graceland. Graceland had just opened a year or two prior (Remember that in 1983, it had only been 6 years since the King had passed on). We saw his tennis courts, his living room with 3 tellys, his gold albums, even his grave. The only place we couldn't go is upstairs where he actually passed.
After that, there was another amusement park to go to. It was called Libertyland and upon arriving at the park, my sister threw up again. Can you believe it? And she hadn't even gone on any rides yet. Oh well. This park has also since closed (in October of '05), again in large part due to not being able to keep up with the bigger parks.
It wasn't long before we headed back home to Minnesota. The following summer, we again went to Nashville, this time without my mother (she was living on her own now), but with my dad's business partner and her friend.
Inspired by my travels, I wrote a short song about our adventures down south. I called it "Nashville Tours" and for backing music, used the piano theme from the movie "Ghostbusters". I recorded it one afternoon while living in the trailer that my family resided in (don't ask). The chorus went like this:
Nashville Tours, those good ol' Nashville Tours,
Let's Go to Nashville, those good ol' Nashville,
Let's Go to Nashville, those good ol' Nashville
Once we arrived in Nashville, we headed first for the Nashville KOA. There were probably hundreds of RV's parked there. Some people just had pop-ups, but that doesn't mean we thought we were better than them. They had a freakin' huge arcade in the main building. All my favorite games were there, including Gyruss and Tempest. And lots of food. This was gonna be cool.
The next day, we headed out to the Opryland amusement park. They had a crapload of music shows to see, but also quite a few rides like the roller coaster, merry-go-round, etc. I remember being flabbergasted at how many people my age were wearing these shirts:
I wish I could have been as cool as they. One other thing I remember about that day is my sister getting sick and throwing up. My parents kept an eye on her the rest of the day. Incidentally, the Opryland amusement park closed its doors in 1997 mostly because they didn't have any more room in which to put newer rides to keep up with the times.
While in Nashville, we also went on a bus tour through some of the notable areas in town, including the Parthenon, a full-scale reproduction of the original Greek one.
On one of the evenings, we went into the KOA campgrounds' concert hall. We listened to some good ol' country music and actually had our picture taken with one of the singers. That singer ended up being...get ready...Vince Gill.
Just kidding, but wouldn't that have been something?
We also went to the Grand Ole Opry. I was into pop music at this time, but it was a pretty good show.
Next, we were off to Memphis and Graceland. Graceland had just opened a year or two prior (Remember that in 1983, it had only been 6 years since the King had passed on). We saw his tennis courts, his living room with 3 tellys, his gold albums, even his grave. The only place we couldn't go is upstairs where he actually passed.
After that, there was another amusement park to go to. It was called Libertyland and upon arriving at the park, my sister threw up again. Can you believe it? And she hadn't even gone on any rides yet. Oh well. This park has also since closed (in October of '05), again in large part due to not being able to keep up with the bigger parks.
It wasn't long before we headed back home to Minnesota. The following summer, we again went to Nashville, this time without my mother (she was living on her own now), but with my dad's business partner and her friend.
Inspired by my travels, I wrote a short song about our adventures down south. I called it "Nashville Tours" and for backing music, used the piano theme from the movie "Ghostbusters". I recorded it one afternoon while living in the trailer that my family resided in (don't ask). The chorus went like this:
Nashville Tours, those good ol' Nashville Tours,
Let's Go to Nashville, those good ol' Nashville,
Let's Go to Nashville, those good ol' Nashville
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
My Old Stomping Grounds
Pictured above is a present-day pic of 133 Washington St in Rollingstone, MN. From 1978-1984, we lived right next door at 131 Washington (that house can be seen on the left). Looking at that pic brings back a lot of memories. My brother, Mike, as a 5 year old, would stand near that tree and watch the Land O Lakes trucks leave in the morning (a Land O Lakes was located just across the street from us). An older couple named the Lemmers' lived in 133. They were quite nice. I remember one day our family was talking to the Lemmers' in the back yard and my brother, Matt, took the opportunity to peek under Mrs. Lemmer's dress (I'm not sure what he saw, but I bet it would explain a lot). We must've seemed like quite the happy family back then. I heard that the Lemmers' cried when they found out Mom and Dad were getting divorced. My sister's bedroom was in the back (just to the right of the tree). On many nights, she would not want to sleep in her room because the bed was cold. I remember she used to have underwear that had the days of the week on them. I wonder if she still does...
Needless to say, some of the happiest moments of my childhood occurred while I was living in that house.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
New Religion Part III
In the late 70's, with my dad at work as an accountant, my mom took us kids to the Kingdom Hall on many Wednesday mornings. Once there, a short talk was given by an elder. After that, my mom headed out with other JW's to go door-to-door preaching the "good news". I (and my siblings) stayed back and played downstairs. I vividly remember one morning being there and looking at the storybook of the Disney movie, "The Aristocats". That's right. We didn't always have to be reading JW literature in the Kingdom Hall (but only really if you were a child). The downstairs had a fireplace, but I don't recall ever seeing it in use.
In an adjacent room down there was a relatively sizable JW library along with a table and chairs. I found out later that this is where many "strayed" Witnesses were counseled and sometimes disfellowshipped. I can't even begin to think of all the pain that people experienced in that small room, but as a child, I had no idea. I do recall one evening my mom pointing out a man who had been disfellowshipped. He regularly attended meetings, but no one was allowed to talk to him. After a certain period of time (if he was a good boy), he most likely was reinstated. I remember thinking that he must have done something pretty bad for the congregation to treat him that way.
One summer, the Witnesses had a get-together at a place called Farmer's Park (it was located about 10 miles from Winona). This is probably gonna shock the shit out of a few of you, but they actually had water balloons there. A bunch of kids (including me) grabbed one and proceeded to try to hit someone, anyone. It didn't matter. We just wanted the simple pleasure of getting somebody wet. There was this one guy who was a regular speaker at our Hall. I wanted to get him wet in the worst way. I got as close to him as I could and threw the balloon. God damn it! He dodged the balloon just as it was about to hit him!
I drowned my sorrow by grabbing a few hot dogs. I wasn't sure where my parents were, so found a picnic table to eat said weiners. I could've sat on either side of the table. One side faced all the Witnesses having fun and playing games, the other, just grass and trees. I chose to face the quietude of nature.
In an adjacent room down there was a relatively sizable JW library along with a table and chairs. I found out later that this is where many "strayed" Witnesses were counseled and sometimes disfellowshipped. I can't even begin to think of all the pain that people experienced in that small room, but as a child, I had no idea. I do recall one evening my mom pointing out a man who had been disfellowshipped. He regularly attended meetings, but no one was allowed to talk to him. After a certain period of time (if he was a good boy), he most likely was reinstated. I remember thinking that he must have done something pretty bad for the congregation to treat him that way.
One summer, the Witnesses had a get-together at a place called Farmer's Park (it was located about 10 miles from Winona). This is probably gonna shock the shit out of a few of you, but they actually had water balloons there. A bunch of kids (including me) grabbed one and proceeded to try to hit someone, anyone. It didn't matter. We just wanted the simple pleasure of getting somebody wet. There was this one guy who was a regular speaker at our Hall. I wanted to get him wet in the worst way. I got as close to him as I could and threw the balloon. God damn it! He dodged the balloon just as it was about to hit him!
I drowned my sorrow by grabbing a few hot dogs. I wasn't sure where my parents were, so found a picnic table to eat said weiners. I could've sat on either side of the table. One side faced all the Witnesses having fun and playing games, the other, just grass and trees. I chose to face the quietude of nature.
I guess that says a lot about me.
Good Samaritans
On Saturday afternoon, Shanon was helping me move a sofa I had bought. We carried it from his van to my front door. While we were carrying it, I noticed two guys riding bikes coming towards us. They were both wearing white short-sleeve shirts.
They saw us struggling with the couch and asked if they could assist us. I knew what they were thinking and quickly declined. They probably coulda helped us get the couch in faster, but it wouldn't have been worth the earful that we would've received.
I knew what this meant and quickly thought of something to say if they approached us. If they started in on their religion, I was gonna say that I'm not giving up masturbation (their literature states that they are expressly against it). I don't give a shit if I go to hell. Fact is, I don't do it much anyway, but I'd rather have the option on the table just in case.
They saw us struggling with the couch and asked if they could assist us. I knew what they were thinking and quickly declined. They probably coulda helped us get the couch in faster, but it wouldn't have been worth the earful that we would've received.
Lucky
On Friday evening, I went with my girl to a local bar. We sat down and talked for a bit. She said that she was feeling lucky. No, not like that, you dirty devils. She had the feeling that she might win some moolah. She asked if I'd even done pulltabs before.
She then dealt each of us 10 cards and we proceeded to play. She told me that if she won more than $50, she would split it with me. Cool! I wanted to take my time with them (maybe open one every 5 minutes or so), but she just ripped through 'em. All of hers came up dry as I continued opening mine. Damn, I really thought that her feeling lucky would get some type of win for us. Oh well. I only had a couple left. I tore one and noticed some marking on the bottom that wasn't on the others. It appeared that we had won a dollar. As Anakin Skywalker would say (in Episode I), "Yippee!"
My girl looked at the card and said she thought we had won more than that. I then noticed that there was a red line that went through all three "bars" on that same ticket (I hadn't seen it before). I turned the card over and it said that particular pattern was a $100 winner. Very nice! I asked her what the next step was. She said to go up to the bartender to collect her (our) winnings. She strode up there with quite a smile on her face.
The barkeep looked at her tic and did some paperwork for it. My babe looked back at me (still seated) and said she thinks it is actually a $200 winner. That would be sweet! From the table, I heard the bar boy giving her the money. 20, 40, 60, 80, 100, 20, 40, 60, 80, 100. Oh yeah! As promised, she gave me half ($100). She "invested" $20 and got $200 back (a 1,000 percent return!) We were both quite happy as we put the cash in our wallet/purse.
I said that if we did the same trick every weekend, eventually we would lose money (how else would the machine stay in business?) We won't make a habit of hitting the tabs regularly for this reason. As the night went on, about 5 people went to the tab machine to buy their own tickets. My girl commented that they most likely wouldn't win and, indeed, none of those patrons went up to the bar to claim any winnings that we saw. No, we were the fortunate ones that evening.
She felt lucky, acted upon it, and I got laid. No, I mean, she felt lucky, acted upon it, and because of that, we now have lots of cash money to take us through the rest of this month. High-five!!
I said my friend, Shanon, did, but I had no idea how they worked. She said she very rarely played them, but would like to give it a shot that evening. She asked me to accompany her to the pulltab machine. She put twenty dollars into the receptacle, then had to decide if she wanted 1 or 2 dollar tabs. I told her to pick the 1's. The machine spit out 20 tickets. She gathered them together and we went back to our table.
She then dealt each of us 10 cards and we proceeded to play. She told me that if she won more than $50, she would split it with me. Cool! I wanted to take my time with them (maybe open one every 5 minutes or so), but she just ripped through 'em. All of hers came up dry as I continued opening mine. Damn, I really thought that her feeling lucky would get some type of win for us. Oh well. I only had a couple left. I tore one and noticed some marking on the bottom that wasn't on the others. It appeared that we had won a dollar. As Anakin Skywalker would say (in Episode I), "Yippee!"
My girl looked at the card and said she thought we had won more than that. I then noticed that there was a red line that went through all three "bars" on that same ticket (I hadn't seen it before). I turned the card over and it said that particular pattern was a $100 winner. Very nice! I asked her what the next step was. She said to go up to the bartender to collect her (our) winnings. She strode up there with quite a smile on her face.
The barkeep looked at her tic and did some paperwork for it. My babe looked back at me (still seated) and said she thinks it is actually a $200 winner. That would be sweet! From the table, I heard the bar boy giving her the money. 20, 40, 60, 80, 100, 20, 40, 60, 80, 100. Oh yeah! As promised, she gave me half ($100). She "invested" $20 and got $200 back (a 1,000 percent return!) We were both quite happy as we put the cash in our wallet/purse.
I said that if we did the same trick every weekend, eventually we would lose money (how else would the machine stay in business?) We won't make a habit of hitting the tabs regularly for this reason. As the night went on, about 5 people went to the tab machine to buy their own tickets. My girl commented that they most likely wouldn't win and, indeed, none of those patrons went up to the bar to claim any winnings that we saw. No, we were the fortunate ones that evening.
She felt lucky, acted upon it, and I got laid. No, I mean, she felt lucky, acted upon it, and because of that, we now have lots of cash money to take us through the rest of this month. High-five!!
Friday, June 22, 2007
June 21, 2007
For the first time since 1989, Harrison Ford dons the familiar costume as "Indiana Jones and the City of the Gods" begins production under the direction of Steven Spielberg. The movie, set in the 1950s, also stars Shia LaBeouf and Cate Blanchett and will be released on May 22, 2008.
Go Home Happy!
Struggling Blockbuster Eliminates Rental Fees
Let me tell you right now that I don't feel the least bit sorry for Blockbuster Video and their current woes. Why? Well, several years ago, when it was still fashionable to rent movies, I would go to Blockbuster looking for videos of independent movies. I would rarely find them there. Sure, they had 50 copies of "Gladiator", but what of the smaller stuff?
Turns out Blockbuster refused to stock movies that were unrated. Now, I'm not talking about pornos. I'm referring to indie movies that were a bit too hard to get an R-rating or were from overseas. I had to go to a non-corporate video store (Premiere Video) to get an unrated (the version preferred by critics) copy of "Requeim for a Dream".
Blockbusta did this in order to ensure their rep as a "family" store. However, they were fine with stocking DVD's that had unrated extras on them (such as "Fight Club").
Around this same time, Blockbuster struck deals with some movie companies in which they would be the only place to stock various lesser-known movies (stuff no one had heard of). They would stock 30 copies of each of these titles and then people, seeing the vast amount of copies, would wonder why they had never heard of the movie and, feeling that they had missed something, would rent one of 'em (they were mostly crap).
Suffice it to say that Blockbuster sucks and I am quite pleased that the last BB in town a few months ago.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
One of the weirdest questions anyone's ever asked me
On one blissful spring evening, I was having "relations" with my significant other and had to go to the bathroom. I came back and we continued where we left off. Later that evening, she asked me the following:
"How do you pee with a hard-on?"
"How do you pee with a hard-on?"
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Mistakes Were Made
The following is an interesting piece based on a new book about cognitive dissonance called, "Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts" by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson:
We want our politicians, business leaders, physicians, prosecuting attorneys, and love partners to own up to their errors and bad decisions, without weaseling. More important, we want them to correct their mistakes and learn from them. But before they can do that, they have to be aware that they actually did make a mistake or a bad decision. How come we can see their mistakes so clearly and not our own? As decades of studies in cognitive science have demonstrated, the brain is designed with blind spots, psychological as well as optical, and one of its cleverest tricks is to confer on us the comforting delusion that we, personally, do not have any. We have no biases, we know why our small immoralities are justified and theirs are not, we know that our beliefs are valid and theirs are full of holes. These hardwired, self-serving habits of thinking are why everyone can see a hypocrite in action except the hypocrite, why husbands and wives can see the partner’s stubborn unwillingness to change but not their own, and why the most villainous despots on earth sleep soundly at night.
When the fundamental belief that we are smart, moral, and kind crashes into the accusation that we did something stupid, immoral, or hurtful, we have major cognitive dissonance to resolve. Did I just commit an unethical act? I’m a good person; therefore my action was trivial, didn’t hurt anyone, and besides everyone does it. Did I make a decision that proved disastrously wrong? I’m a smart person; therefore that decision has to be right, even if it will take a few decades to prove it. In this way, the brain sees to it that the very need to maintain the belief that we are kind, smart, and moral can keep us stuck in a course of action that is cruel, stupid, or immoral.
Understanding how self-justification works helps to explain the mystery of George Bush. Why can’t the man ever admit that any of the specific predictions he and his administration made about Iraq were flat wrong? There were no WMD, there were no happy Iraqis pelting American soldiers with flowers, the “mission” was not “accomplished” in a short time, oil revenues did not subsidize the cost, and no united pro-Western government arose from the Saddam’s crushed regime. Indeed, political commentators across the spectrum have not only called upon Bush to admit he was wrong; they even wrote face-saving speeches for him. In 2005, Jonathan Rauch predicted that Bush would have to withdraw from Iraq or he would lose both houses of Congress in the 2006 elections, and what sane politician would risk that?
A self-justifying one. And that is why Alberto Gonzales is no George Bush. Gonzales may justify his ethical lapses and failure to uphold the Constitution as acts of loyalty to his president, but he undoubtedly knows what he is doing and what he has to do to protect his job. Bush’s actions, in contrast, suggest a man whose religious and political ideology has cocooned him in self-justification. He has systematically demoted or fired anyone who had the temerity to disagree with him, a sure sign of a leader unable to hear any information that might create dissonance about his decisions.
After the 2006 midterm elections, with Iraq in chaos, Bush no longer had an external incentive to “stay the course”; he could not run for reelection and the majority of the country wanted an end to the war. If Bush were acting pragmatically, he now had the perfect opportunity to accept the recommendations of his own Iraq Study Group and his top generals, who were telling him the war was unwinnable. But by then Bush had convinced himself that the invasion of Iraq was not a mistake. “I’ve never been more convinced that the decisions I made are the right decisions,” he told a delegation of conservative columnists. The only “mistakes,” he told the country in January, had to do with tactics. Ergo, if we are not winning, we need to do what we have been doing, only with more troops and more money.
Self-justification has benefits. It allows people to sleep at night, untroubled by regrets over roads not taken or by memories of embarrassing failures. But for those in positions of power, some sleepless nights are called for. When self-justification blinds them to evidence that a decision was wrong, disaster usually follows.
We want our politicians, business leaders, physicians, prosecuting attorneys, and love partners to own up to their errors and bad decisions, without weaseling. More important, we want them to correct their mistakes and learn from them. But before they can do that, they have to be aware that they actually did make a mistake or a bad decision. How come we can see their mistakes so clearly and not our own? As decades of studies in cognitive science have demonstrated, the brain is designed with blind spots, psychological as well as optical, and one of its cleverest tricks is to confer on us the comforting delusion that we, personally, do not have any. We have no biases, we know why our small immoralities are justified and theirs are not, we know that our beliefs are valid and theirs are full of holes. These hardwired, self-serving habits of thinking are why everyone can see a hypocrite in action except the hypocrite, why husbands and wives can see the partner’s stubborn unwillingness to change but not their own, and why the most villainous despots on earth sleep soundly at night.
When the fundamental belief that we are smart, moral, and kind crashes into the accusation that we did something stupid, immoral, or hurtful, we have major cognitive dissonance to resolve. Did I just commit an unethical act? I’m a good person; therefore my action was trivial, didn’t hurt anyone, and besides everyone does it. Did I make a decision that proved disastrously wrong? I’m a smart person; therefore that decision has to be right, even if it will take a few decades to prove it. In this way, the brain sees to it that the very need to maintain the belief that we are kind, smart, and moral can keep us stuck in a course of action that is cruel, stupid, or immoral.
Understanding how self-justification works helps to explain the mystery of George Bush. Why can’t the man ever admit that any of the specific predictions he and his administration made about Iraq were flat wrong? There were no WMD, there were no happy Iraqis pelting American soldiers with flowers, the “mission” was not “accomplished” in a short time, oil revenues did not subsidize the cost, and no united pro-Western government arose from the Saddam’s crushed regime. Indeed, political commentators across the spectrum have not only called upon Bush to admit he was wrong; they even wrote face-saving speeches for him. In 2005, Jonathan Rauch predicted that Bush would have to withdraw from Iraq or he would lose both houses of Congress in the 2006 elections, and what sane politician would risk that?
A self-justifying one. And that is why Alberto Gonzales is no George Bush. Gonzales may justify his ethical lapses and failure to uphold the Constitution as acts of loyalty to his president, but he undoubtedly knows what he is doing and what he has to do to protect his job. Bush’s actions, in contrast, suggest a man whose religious and political ideology has cocooned him in self-justification. He has systematically demoted or fired anyone who had the temerity to disagree with him, a sure sign of a leader unable to hear any information that might create dissonance about his decisions.
After the 2006 midterm elections, with Iraq in chaos, Bush no longer had an external incentive to “stay the course”; he could not run for reelection and the majority of the country wanted an end to the war. If Bush were acting pragmatically, he now had the perfect opportunity to accept the recommendations of his own Iraq Study Group and his top generals, who were telling him the war was unwinnable. But by then Bush had convinced himself that the invasion of Iraq was not a mistake. “I’ve never been more convinced that the decisions I made are the right decisions,” he told a delegation of conservative columnists. The only “mistakes,” he told the country in January, had to do with tactics. Ergo, if we are not winning, we need to do what we have been doing, only with more troops and more money.
Self-justification has benefits. It allows people to sleep at night, untroubled by regrets over roads not taken or by memories of embarrassing failures. But for those in positions of power, some sleepless nights are called for. When self-justification blinds them to evidence that a decision was wrong, disaster usually follows.
Monday, June 18, 2007
New Religion Part II
As noted last week, I was introduced to the Jehovah's Witness faith at the tender age of 5. There were a number of things that changed in my life due to this. For one, I could no longer go trick-or-treating (one of my earliest memories is of doing so in our neighborhood). I traded going door-to-door for candy for going door-to-door preaching (though I didn't do much evangelizing at this time since I was just a little shit). I also could no longer get birthday or Christmas presents. This didn't bother me too much since my parents made a concerted effort to get us kids presents now and then out-of-the-blue. We didn't feel like we were missing too much. In fact, my 3 youngest brothers grew up as JW's, so they didn't know anything different.
Some of you may be wondering why JW's aren't allowed to celebrate holidays. From the official website of the JW's:
"Jesus never commanded Christians to celebrate his birth. Rather, he told his disciples to memorialize, or remember, his death. Christmas and its customs come from ancient false religions. The same is true of Easter customs, such as the use of eggs and rabbits. The early Christians did not celebrate Christmas or Easter, nor do true Christians today. The only two birthday celebrations spoken of in the Bible were held by persons who did not worship Jehovah. The early Christians did not celebrate birthdays. The custom of celebrating birthdays comes from ancient false religions. True Christians give gifts and have good times together at other times during the year."
We also weren't allowed to do the Pledge of Allegiance, but looking back, I have absolutely no problem with this one (pledging allegiance to a flag strikes me as a tad too jingoistic and, dare I say it, fascist). When the teacher asked the class to do any type of Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas art, I was assigned to do something else. It's something I just grew to accept. I also wasn't allowed to drink milk just before nap time. Stop rolling your eyes. There's a good reason for this. No, I'm just shittin' ya about the milk thing. I did have to drink chocolate milk, however, since I was (and still am) lactose.
Once or twice a year, our family went to JW conventions. We typically had to travel several hours to get there. The conventions would consist of 2 or 3 days of mostly "talks". But it wasn't all boring. Usually once or twice during the convention, there would be a play, or "drama", performed by Witnesses. They would re-enact some key passage of the Bible wearing period clothes. These presentations helped break up the monotony a bit. One other good thing about going out of town was being able to eat out every day (something I enjoy to this day). I can remember many occasions going to Bob's Big Boy and having a delicious hamburger.
As I headed to our seats, this colored teenager asked what I was doing walking alone. I explained to him what happened and was about to say that I knew where my seat was, anyhoo, but before I could, he was leading me to the Lost and Found (person) section. He told me to sit and wait in a folding chair, that my parents should be along shortly. As I waited, I watched all the other families walk about, food in their hands, smiles on their faces. I stuck out my lower lip from time to time to try to get some of the passerby to feel sorry for me. "Look, an unhappy boy at a Jehovah's Witness convention. He can't be one of us."
Perhaps 45 minutes later, I saw my dad walking through the now-relatively-empty concourse (the afternoon session had now started). I saw relief come across his face as he saw me seated in the lost and found. I explained how I had been dragged to L&F, that I knew the whole time where our seats were. He smiled and we headed for our section, happy Jehovah's Witnesses once again.
I will continue with more of my Witness experiences next week.
Some of you may be wondering why JW's aren't allowed to celebrate holidays. From the official website of the JW's:
"Jesus never commanded Christians to celebrate his birth. Rather, he told his disciples to memorialize, or remember, his death. Christmas and its customs come from ancient false religions. The same is true of Easter customs, such as the use of eggs and rabbits. The early Christians did not celebrate Christmas or Easter, nor do true Christians today. The only two birthday celebrations spoken of in the Bible were held by persons who did not worship Jehovah. The early Christians did not celebrate birthdays. The custom of celebrating birthdays comes from ancient false religions. True Christians give gifts and have good times together at other times during the year."
We also weren't allowed to do the Pledge of Allegiance, but looking back, I have absolutely no problem with this one (pledging allegiance to a flag strikes me as a tad too jingoistic and, dare I say it, fascist). When the teacher asked the class to do any type of Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas art, I was assigned to do something else. It's something I just grew to accept. I also wasn't allowed to drink milk just before nap time. Stop rolling your eyes. There's a good reason for this. No, I'm just shittin' ya about the milk thing. I did have to drink chocolate milk, however, since I was (and still am) lactose.
Once or twice a year, our family went to JW conventions. We typically had to travel several hours to get there. The conventions would consist of 2 or 3 days of mostly "talks". But it wasn't all boring. Usually once or twice during the convention, there would be a play, or "drama", performed by Witnesses. They would re-enact some key passage of the Bible wearing period clothes. These presentations helped break up the monotony a bit. One other good thing about going out of town was being able to eat out every day (something I enjoy to this day). I can remember many occasions going to Bob's Big Boy and having a delicious hamburger.
One quite notable thing happened when our family went to Milwaukee County Stadium (where baseball's Milwaukee Brewers play) for a gigantic JW pow wow in '76. Tens of thousands of "brothers" and "sisters" were there. So much righteousness, so little time. Anyway, I was with my mom and siblings while dad was getting food or some such thing for us. We were walking through the concourse which was totally packed with people. My mom said she saw my dad up some stairs and asked me to obtain him for her. I said I didn't see him. But she told me to just head that way and I should see him. I sheepishly headed up the stairs and couldn't find the old man. Then I tried to go find my mom, but couldn't. Oh bother. No big whoop, though, since I knew exactly where we were sitting.
As I headed to our seats, this colored teenager asked what I was doing walking alone. I explained to him what happened and was about to say that I knew where my seat was, anyhoo, but before I could, he was leading me to the Lost and Found (person) section. He told me to sit and wait in a folding chair, that my parents should be along shortly. As I waited, I watched all the other families walk about, food in their hands, smiles on their faces. I stuck out my lower lip from time to time to try to get some of the passerby to feel sorry for me. "Look, an unhappy boy at a Jehovah's Witness convention. He can't be one of us."
Perhaps 45 minutes later, I saw my dad walking through the now-relatively-empty concourse (the afternoon session had now started). I saw relief come across his face as he saw me seated in the lost and found. I explained how I had been dragged to L&F, that I knew the whole time where our seats were. He smiled and we headed for our section, happy Jehovah's Witnesses once again.
I will continue with more of my Witness experiences next week.
1999 Part III
Carolyn Burnham: Uh, whose car is that out front?
Lester Burnham: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
It's difficult to describe my favorite movie of 1999, "American Beauty". I'll have to let someone else do so. Starring Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening, the movie won Best Picture and Spacey Best Actor at the 2000 Academy Awards.
The movie was getting fantastic reviews, so one fall afternoon in '99, I headed to the Galleria Theatres knowing I was going to see a good movie. I just didn't know how good.
Ricky Fitts: It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
The movie just built and built to a transcendent finish that took place on a stormy night and as mentioned previously, I was shaken, taken to a place that movies rarely go.
Lester Burnham: How's Jane?
Angela Hayes: What do you mean?
Lester Burnham: I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.
Angela Hayes: She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love.
Lester Burnham: Good for her.
Angela Hayes: How are you?
Lester Burnham: God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... I'm great.
Angela Hayes: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Lester Burnham: I'm great.
Exiting the theatre, I was on cloud 9. This is why I go to the movies. In a few months, 1999 would turn into 2000, but on that day, everything was perfect, exactly the way it was meant to be, and I believed in life and love and eternity.
Lester Burnham: [narrating] I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
Lester Burnham: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
It's difficult to describe my favorite movie of 1999, "American Beauty". I'll have to let someone else do so. Starring Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening, the movie won Best Picture and Spacey Best Actor at the 2000 Academy Awards.
The movie was getting fantastic reviews, so one fall afternoon in '99, I headed to the Galleria Theatres knowing I was going to see a good movie. I just didn't know how good.
Ricky Fitts: It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
The movie just built and built to a transcendent finish that took place on a stormy night and as mentioned previously, I was shaken, taken to a place that movies rarely go.
Lester Burnham: How's Jane?
Angela Hayes: What do you mean?
Lester Burnham: I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.
Angela Hayes: She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love.
Lester Burnham: Good for her.
Angela Hayes: How are you?
Lester Burnham: God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... I'm great.
Angela Hayes: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Lester Burnham: I'm great.
Exiting the theatre, I was on cloud 9. This is why I go to the movies. In a few months, 1999 would turn into 2000, but on that day, everything was perfect, exactly the way it was meant to be, and I believed in life and love and eternity.
Lester Burnham: [narrating] I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
New Religion
When my parents married in '69 (heh, 69), they had a Catholic wedding (I've seen the pictures). I was baptized shortly after my birth (that's what my parents told me, anyhow) and were it not for a fortuitous occurence, would've most likely gone on to attend Catholic services for my entire childhood. However, in '75, my mom was visited by two people who were going door-to-door telling people about their religion. They were Jehovah's Witnesses. My mother was interested in what they had to say, so was visited numerous times by them over the next few months. My dad was against it (he was proud of being Catho-lick), but she finally convinced him that he should give it a try.
Here are some of their beliefs:
Heaven is only for select Jehovah's Witnesses
Heaven is limited only to 144,000 Jehovah's Witnesses
Jehovah's Witnesses are the only true Christians
There is no Hell (it is simply the grave)
Jesus is not to be worshiped or prayed to
All churches (non-JW's) are of Satan
You cannot take a blood transfusion
You cannot salute the flag, stand for the national anthem, or own a flag
If one does not follow the rules of the Watchtower, they will be shunned
You cannot celebrate any holidays (Christmas, Easter, etc.)
You cannot celebrate your birthday
You cannot have friends who are not Jehovah's Witnesses
You cannot understand the Bible without JW literature to explain it
A child abuser is reported to Watchtower elders and not the police
Men cannot wear beards
You are forbidden to use any tobacco products
You cannot read any anti-Jehovah's Witness material
If you see another Jehovah's Witness breaking the rules, you must turn them in to the elders to be interrogated
You cannot celebrate Mothers or Fathers day (it may produce pride)
God only speaks through the "Governing Body" in Brooklyn, New York
JWs in times of crisis, are strongly discouraged from consulting with family counselors, including mental health professionals who are not Jehovah's Witnesses
God will destroy all non-Jehovah's Witnesses at armageddon
You can never question what is printed in JW literature
My parents woke me up on a Sunday morning a few weeks later and said that we were going to the "Kingdom Hall". Being 5 years old, I imagined that we were actually going to be meeting a king. Scary. Instead we went to a house of worship that had no crosses or stained glass windows.
As I grew older and time went by, I learned more about the religion and accepted it as the truth (If my parents believed it, there must be something to it). I was a very good reader at quite a young age, so my dad asked if I would be interested in giving a short "talk" (reading from the Bible) at one of the Thursday night meetings. Let's see...go up in front of more than 100 God-fearing folks all decked out in a zoot suit and read a chapter from the Good Book. I didn't have the vocabulary at the time, but if I did, I woulda said, "Fuck off, Dad, and your circumcised donkey dick!" I said I'd give it some thought. He eventually convinced me to give it a shot.
So on one Thursday evening, I went up to the podium for all to see. I was definitely intimidated looking out at all the people, but fact is, most had smiles on their face and wanted me to do well. I did my reading (followed by a short commentary that my dad had put together) and as I left the stage, was greeted with a smattering of applause. Hearing all that clapping directed at me felt quite good. After the meeting, several people came up to me and said that they enjoyed my talk and looked forward to more from me in the future.
Here are some of their beliefs:
Heaven is only for select Jehovah's Witnesses
Heaven is limited only to 144,000 Jehovah's Witnesses
Jehovah's Witnesses are the only true Christians
There is no Hell (it is simply the grave)
Jesus is not to be worshiped or prayed to
All churches (non-JW's) are of Satan
You cannot take a blood transfusion
You cannot salute the flag, stand for the national anthem, or own a flag
If one does not follow the rules of the Watchtower, they will be shunned
You cannot celebrate any holidays (Christmas, Easter, etc.)
You cannot celebrate your birthday
You cannot have friends who are not Jehovah's Witnesses
You cannot understand the Bible without JW literature to explain it
A child abuser is reported to Watchtower elders and not the police
Men cannot wear beards
You are forbidden to use any tobacco products
You cannot read any anti-Jehovah's Witness material
If you see another Jehovah's Witness breaking the rules, you must turn them in to the elders to be interrogated
You cannot celebrate Mothers or Fathers day (it may produce pride)
God only speaks through the "Governing Body" in Brooklyn, New York
JWs in times of crisis, are strongly discouraged from consulting with family counselors, including mental health professionals who are not Jehovah's Witnesses
God will destroy all non-Jehovah's Witnesses at armageddon
You can never question what is printed in JW literature
My parents woke me up on a Sunday morning a few weeks later and said that we were going to the "Kingdom Hall". Being 5 years old, I imagined that we were actually going to be meeting a king. Scary. Instead we went to a house of worship that had no crosses or stained glass windows.
Everyone was very friendly to the new meat, I mean, people. The Jehovah's Witnesses have meetings three times a week (Tuesday evening, Thursday evening, Sunday morning). That was a lot of time for a kid to sit still, but I noticed that there were quite a few other kids that were also Witnesses. On many occasions, my dad took us to McDonalds after the meetings for an ice cream cone. That almost made sitting through the meetings worth it.
As I grew older and time went by, I learned more about the religion and accepted it as the truth (If my parents believed it, there must be something to it). I was a very good reader at quite a young age, so my dad asked if I would be interested in giving a short "talk" (reading from the Bible) at one of the Thursday night meetings. Let's see...go up in front of more than 100 God-fearing folks all decked out in a zoot suit and read a chapter from the Good Book. I didn't have the vocabulary at the time, but if I did, I woulda said, "Fuck off, Dad, and your circumcised donkey dick!" I said I'd give it some thought. He eventually convinced me to give it a shot.
So on one Thursday evening, I went up to the podium for all to see. I was definitely intimidated looking out at all the people, but fact is, most had smiles on their face and wanted me to do well. I did my reading (followed by a short commentary that my dad had put together) and as I left the stage, was greeted with a smattering of applause. Hearing all that clapping directed at me felt quite good. After the meeting, several people came up to me and said that they enjoyed my talk and looked forward to more from me in the future.
I will continue this story next week.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Oral Satisfaction
The two things I am most living for these days are food and sex. Since I don't want to bore you, I'll discuss the more interesting of the two. Over the past few years, there were quite a few restaurants that I regularly went to. For fast food, I liked Burger King, Taco John's, KFC, Wendy's, and Culver's. But ever since I first tried Wendy's chicken sandwich a couple months ago (and fell in love), on most late afternoons, you can find me at Wendy's eating said sandwich (or a single hamburger) along with either fries or a caesar salad (as well as a Frosty if I still have room). Wendy's is just down the road from where I work and is simply too inviting to resist.
A few years ago, one of the managers gave me a laminated card so that I could get 10% off every time I ordered something. I hadn't used it much until recently. Instead of my meal being over 5 bucks, it's usually unda (I put the change in one of those charity containers). While eating, I'm either reading the newest TIME or Entertainment Weekly (I have scrips to both) or looking through the paper. After I finish my meal and have had enough Vault to make my eyes water, I am satiated once again...until the urge returns about 18 hours later.
A few years ago, one of the managers gave me a laminated card so that I could get 10% off every time I ordered something. I hadn't used it much until recently. Instead of my meal being over 5 bucks, it's usually unda (I put the change in one of those charity containers). While eating, I'm either reading the newest TIME or Entertainment Weekly (I have scrips to both) or looking through the paper. After I finish my meal and have had enough Vault to make my eyes water, I am satiated once again...until the urge returns about 18 hours later.
Monday, June 11, 2007
1999 Part 2
Continuing my look at the movies of 1999, my "friend", Art, persuaded me to see Will Smith's "Wild Wild West" that summer. As stated in a prior entry, it is one of the worst movies that I have ever seen. I went to see Kirsten Dunst in "Dick" (a comedy about "Tricky Dick" Nixon) as well as Julia Roberts and Richard Gere reuniting for "Runaway Bride" (pretty decent, actually). Pierce Brosnan in "The Thomas Crown Affair" was also enjoyable as were the animated "Iron Giant" and Eddie Murphy playing a goofball in "Bowfinger".
But let's get to some of the really good stuff. One weekend in the late summer, I went to a supernatural movie called, "The Sixth Sense". It was getting great reviews and making a lot of money. As I sat in the Galleria Theatres watching the movie, I have to say it was quite good, but not excellent.
Now it was on to the fall movie season. Another spooky movie came out called "Stir of Echoes". It starred Kevin Bacon. No "Sixth Sense", but a good, gripping thriller, nonetheless. Then there was the freaky "Stigmata" (not very good, but I did like the plot point that the Catholic church suppressed the Biblical verse, "The kingdom of heaven is within". It's what I believe, that no church is necessary for "salvation").
I saw Ashley Judd's "Double Jeopardy" in Winona with Art and his wife. Formulaic, but it did have its moments. The projector conked out about 7 minutes before the end of the movie and couldn't be fixed, so we were all given free passes. One evening in late September, I decided to go see "Fight Club". I had the strangest reaction to it in that I didn't know whether or not I liked it as I exited the theatre.
Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
This one also had a big twist at the end.
Next, I went to see the psychological comedy, "Mumford". Another fantastic movie came out in early October, Clooney, Wahlberg, and Ice Cube in the early 90's Persian Gulf-set film, "Three Kings". The movie actually shows what happens to a body when it is struck by a bullet. Not pretty.
For shits and giggles, I saw Molly Shannon and Will Ferrell in "Superstar" (I got more shits than giggles). Dori and I went to see Tobey Maguire in "The Cider House Rules" (very solid, nominated for Best Pic) as well as Cage in "Bringing Out the Dead" (also good). November came and it was time for Kevin Smith's satire of his Catholic faith, "Dogma". Alanis Morrissette was fabulous as God. "Toy Story 2" was nice. Johnny Depp in "Sleepy Hollow" was a cool one to see as the nights turned colder. I loved the tagline on its poster: Heads Will Roll. Indeed. "Deuce Bigalow" was passable. Ralph Fiennes and Julianne Moore were fantastic in the longing "End of the Affair"
But let's get to some of the really good stuff. One weekend in the late summer, I went to a supernatural movie called, "The Sixth Sense". It was getting great reviews and making a lot of money. As I sat in the Galleria Theatres watching the movie, I have to say it was quite good, but not excellent.
However, once the twist came, I was totally floored and it became an "A" movie for me. Wow! I did not see that ending coming even though I had heard that the movie had a doozy of a twist near the end. It was nominated for Best Pic at the Academy Awards and was definitely in the running for my fave movie of '99.
Now it was on to the fall movie season. Another spooky movie came out called "Stir of Echoes". It starred Kevin Bacon. No "Sixth Sense", but a good, gripping thriller, nonetheless. Then there was the freaky "Stigmata" (not very good, but I did like the plot point that the Catholic church suppressed the Biblical verse, "The kingdom of heaven is within". It's what I believe, that no church is necessary for "salvation").
I saw Ashley Judd's "Double Jeopardy" in Winona with Art and his wife. Formulaic, but it did have its moments. The projector conked out about 7 minutes before the end of the movie and couldn't be fixed, so we were all given free passes. One evening in late September, I decided to go see "Fight Club". I had the strangest reaction to it in that I didn't know whether or not I liked it as I exited the theatre.
There were things I admired about it, but then again, I thought the film fell apart at the end. I've since revisited the movie and concluded that it is powerful filmmaking. This is one of my favorite lines from the movie:
Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
This one also had a big twist at the end.
Next, I went to see the psychological comedy, "Mumford". Another fantastic movie came out in early October, Clooney, Wahlberg, and Ice Cube in the early 90's Persian Gulf-set film, "Three Kings". The movie actually shows what happens to a body when it is struck by a bullet. Not pretty.
For shits and giggles, I saw Molly Shannon and Will Ferrell in "Superstar" (I got more shits than giggles). Dori and I went to see Tobey Maguire in "The Cider House Rules" (very solid, nominated for Best Pic) as well as Cage in "Bringing Out the Dead" (also good). November came and it was time for Kevin Smith's satire of his Catholic faith, "Dogma". Alanis Morrissette was fabulous as God. "Toy Story 2" was nice. Johnny Depp in "Sleepy Hollow" was a cool one to see as the nights turned colder. I loved the tagline on its poster: Heads Will Roll. Indeed. "Deuce Bigalow" was passable. Ralph Fiennes and Julianne Moore were fantastic in the longing "End of the Affair"
and Tom Hanks was excellent in the 3-hour "The Green Mile" (I had read the Stephen King book a few years prior). As the year wound down, I went to "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder and a breakout performance by Angelina Jolie (for which she won Best Supporting Actress). Then there was Cruise, Julianne Moore, and many others in the 3-hour "Magnolia". As stated in a prior entry, Cruise gave the performance-of-a-lifetime in this one and did win a Golden Globe for the role. Next I went to "Shaving Ryan's Privates" and I have to say...jk..we went to see "The Talented Mr. Ripley" (very dark, but good stuff).
And that just leaves my favorite movie of 1999. When the movie in question ended, I got this incredibly blissful feeling just like I got after viewing "Titanic" two years prior and which I haven't felt in a movie theatre since that fall day in 1999. What was it? Well, I'm gonna have to write about it next time. 1999 was just too memorable to write about in two sittings.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Excerpt from my favorite book
Most people believe if they "have" a thing (more time, money, love--whatever), then they can finally "do" a thing (write a book, take up a hobby, go on vacation, buy a home, undertake a relationship), which will allow them to "be" a thing (happy, peaceful, content, or in love). In actuality, they are reversing the Be-Do-Have paradigm. In the universe as it really is (as opposed to how you think it is), "havingness" does not produce "beingness," but the other way around.
First you "be" the thing called "happy" (or "knowing," or "wise," or "compassionate," or whatever), then you start "doing" things from this place of beingness--and soon you discover that what you are doing winds up bringing you the things you've always wanted to "have."
The way to set this creative process (and that's what this is . . . the process of creation) into motion is to look at what it is you want to "have," ask yourself what you think you would "be" if you "had" that, then go right straight to being.
In this way you reverse the way you've been using the Be-Do-Have paradigm--in actuality, set it right--and work with, rather than against, the creative power of the universe.
Here is a short way of stating this principle:
In life, you do not have to do anything.
It is all a question of what you are being.
For now, and to illustrate this, think of a person who just knows that if he could only have a little more time, a little more money, or a little more love, he'd be truly happy. He does not get the connection between his "not being very happy" right now and his not having the time, money, or love he wants. On the other hand, the person who is "being" happy seems to have time to do everything that's really important, all the money that's needed, and enough love to last a lifetime. He finds he has everything he needs to "be happy" . . . by "being happy" to begin with! Deciding ahead of time what you choose to be produces that in your experience.
Happiness is a state of mind. And like all states of mind, it reproduces itself in physical form.
Therefore, whatever you choose for yourself, give to another.
If you choose to be happy, cause another to be happy.
If you choose to be prosperous, cause another to prosper.
If you choose more love in your life, cause another to have more love in theirs.
Do this sincerely--not because you seek personal gain, but because you really want the other person to have that--and all the things you give away will come to you.
The very act of your giving something away causes you to experience that you have it to give away. Since you cannot give to another something you do not now have, your mind comes to a new conclusion about you--namely, that you must have this, or you could not be giving it away. This new thought then becomes your experience. You start "being" that. And once you start "being" a thing, you've engaged the gears of the most powerful creation machine in the universe--your Divine Self.
Whatever you are being, you are creating.
The circle is complete, and you will create more and more of that in your life. It will be made manifest in your physical experience.
This is the greatest secret of life.
First you "be" the thing called "happy" (or "knowing," or "wise," or "compassionate," or whatever), then you start "doing" things from this place of beingness--and soon you discover that what you are doing winds up bringing you the things you've always wanted to "have."
The way to set this creative process (and that's what this is . . . the process of creation) into motion is to look at what it is you want to "have," ask yourself what you think you would "be" if you "had" that, then go right straight to being.
In this way you reverse the way you've been using the Be-Do-Have paradigm--in actuality, set it right--and work with, rather than against, the creative power of the universe.
Here is a short way of stating this principle:
In life, you do not have to do anything.
It is all a question of what you are being.
For now, and to illustrate this, think of a person who just knows that if he could only have a little more time, a little more money, or a little more love, he'd be truly happy. He does not get the connection between his "not being very happy" right now and his not having the time, money, or love he wants. On the other hand, the person who is "being" happy seems to have time to do everything that's really important, all the money that's needed, and enough love to last a lifetime. He finds he has everything he needs to "be happy" . . . by "being happy" to begin with! Deciding ahead of time what you choose to be produces that in your experience.
Happiness is a state of mind. And like all states of mind, it reproduces itself in physical form.
Therefore, whatever you choose for yourself, give to another.
If you choose to be happy, cause another to be happy.
If you choose to be prosperous, cause another to prosper.
If you choose more love in your life, cause another to have more love in theirs.
Do this sincerely--not because you seek personal gain, but because you really want the other person to have that--and all the things you give away will come to you.
The very act of your giving something away causes you to experience that you have it to give away. Since you cannot give to another something you do not now have, your mind comes to a new conclusion about you--namely, that you must have this, or you could not be giving it away. This new thought then becomes your experience. You start "being" that. And once you start "being" a thing, you've engaged the gears of the most powerful creation machine in the universe--your Divine Self.
Whatever you are being, you are creating.
The circle is complete, and you will create more and more of that in your life. It will be made manifest in your physical experience.
This is the greatest secret of life.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Main St
There wasn't always a lot for a kid to do in a small town of 528. Thankfully, there were a few places to go to pass the time. We lived about 4 blocks from Main Street in Rollingstone. It didn't take but a few minutes to walk to Schell's Cafe and Grocery. I only recall eating there a few times, though, mostly with my grandmother. More often, I would go to the grocery part of the business to get candy (the Milk Shake candy bar was awesome) and/or Mr. Freezee's. Those Freezee's were delicious on a hot, summer day.
For a couple years, Main Street had a store called Tom & Sandy's. It was kinda like a super-mini version of Kmart. They had an aisle of toys which I would peruse from time to time.
Across the street was a beauty shop that our neighbor, Pam Wood, opened. I recall my brother, Brian, and I walking there one winter evening to get haircuts. I had just purchased a handheld game and played it while waiting to get my hair cut. It looked like this:
Right by Schell's was the laundromat. On many early evenings when she was running late, Mom would ask me to take her waitress outfit there to dry (the dryers were much more powerful and faster than the one we had at home).
We also had 2 bars which were fun to go to once the arcade craze started in the early '80s. The Fireside Inn had Donkey Kong & Monaco GP (a racing game). The Rollin' Inn had Journey (yes, a video game based on the Steve Perry-led group!) and Gorf.
Further down the road was the 1st State Bank of Rollingstone.
For a couple years, Main Street had a store called Tom & Sandy's. It was kinda like a super-mini version of Kmart. They had an aisle of toys which I would peruse from time to time.
Across the street was a beauty shop that our neighbor, Pam Wood, opened. I recall my brother, Brian, and I walking there one winter evening to get haircuts. I had just purchased a handheld game and played it while waiting to get my hair cut. It looked like this:
Pretty primitive game, but hey, it was 1982. When I got my hair cut, Pam remarked on how thick it was. Next door to her shop was the Rollingstone Post Office. I only went in there a time or two to get stamps.
Right by Schell's was the laundromat. On many early evenings when she was running late, Mom would ask me to take her waitress outfit there to dry (the dryers were much more powerful and faster than the one we had at home).
We also had 2 bars which were fun to go to once the arcade craze started in the early '80s. The Fireside Inn had Donkey Kong & Monaco GP (a racing game). The Rollin' Inn had Journey (yes, a video game based on the Steve Perry-led group!) and Gorf.
Gorf was a lot like Galaga. It had this computer generated voice that would say, "Insert Coin" when no one was playing the game. On many occasions, I would reply to the voice, "Insert Dick".
Further down the road was the 1st State Bank of Rollingstone.
(It's called the Eastwood Bank now). I remember I had a savings (passbook) account there that usually had about $5 in it. The bank also had a drive-thru which was quite groundbreaking for a smalltown bank in the early '80s.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Knocked Out
I went to see Judd Apatow's much-hyped follow-up to "The 40-Year-Old Virgin", "Knocked Up", on Saturday afternoon (and yes, I used one of my Oscar contest-winning passes for said occasion).
Alison (Katherine Heigl) and Ben (Seth Rogan) are at his place and trying to have sex, but Ben is weirded out when he's on top because he feels like his penis is all up in the baby's face. Could she please get on top? Alison gets on top, but then feels all ugly as she thinks he's staring up at her double chin and her boobs are all squishy and flying everywhere, "so National Geographic". He asks her to do it doggy style, but Alison says she's not a dog and so they do it in a different position, but when the baby kicks, Ben gets weirded out again and Alison gets upset and says she won't ask him to have sex again.
The laughs were plentiful and though not as gutbusting as "Borat", was a nice break from the effects-heavy sequels that have swarmed theatre screens over the past month. I recommend "Knocked Up" to all but the most sensitive souls. If you dug "Virgin", you'll most certainly dig this.
I'm interested in seeing all 3 movies that were shown as coming attractions before "Knocked" started (Adam Sandler's, "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry", Dane Cook's "Good Luck Chuck", and Steve Carell's "Evan Almighty"). "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" was my favorite movie of '05, so I had high hopes for "Knocked Up" and, for the most part, it delivered. Here is one of my favorite scenes:
Alison (Katherine Heigl) and Ben (Seth Rogan) are at his place and trying to have sex, but Ben is weirded out when he's on top because he feels like his penis is all up in the baby's face. Could she please get on top? Alison gets on top, but then feels all ugly as she thinks he's staring up at her double chin and her boobs are all squishy and flying everywhere, "so National Geographic". He asks her to do it doggy style, but Alison says she's not a dog and so they do it in a different position, but when the baby kicks, Ben gets weirded out again and Alison gets upset and says she won't ask him to have sex again.
The laughs were plentiful and though not as gutbusting as "Borat", was a nice break from the effects-heavy sequels that have swarmed theatre screens over the past month. I recommend "Knocked Up" to all but the most sensitive souls. If you dug "Virgin", you'll most certainly dig this.
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