Wedge Issue

Wouldn't it be great if, for just one day out of the year, we could act like kids again with no consequences? Specifically, if I wanted to give someone a wedgie who I encountered on the street, I could do so. Bonus points if they cried after.

It could be an all-day thing with kickball and dodgeball tournaments taking place in the afternoon. Later, in the showers, we could whip towels at each others' backsides while being careful not to gaze at the packages of guys over 6 feet tall.

In the evening, a game of Doctor might be in order for those who are attracted to each other. If necessary, some patients might need to stay until sunrise for overnight observation.

Scuzz Bucket

"I recognize that because of my margin of victory, Mr. Franken has the right to pursue an official review of the election results. It is up to him whether such a step is worth the tax dollars it will take to conduct."

Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman, after beating Al Franken by 725 votes (that lead has now been cut to 239). More than 2 million votes were cast. Recounts are required by state law for races where the margin is less than one half of one percent.

Strong Sexual Content

Last weekend, I went to Kevin Smith's new one, "Zach & Miri Make a Porno". More graphic than I was expecting (one of the females starring in the porno is constipated, use your imagination on what happened), but very funny, nonetheless. Here's the trailer if you're not familiar with the film:


As the credits rolled, most of the audience got up to leave. I stayed. This is something I've done for years, especially for comedies. In many cases, an extra 20 seconds to 2 minutes of footage can be seen at the very end (after all the credits have rolled). Even if there turns out to be nothing else, I like waiting for the crowd to disperse before exiting and enjoy hearing some of the film's music without any dialogue running over it.

For "Zach & Miri", the credits rolled for about 100 seconds before stopping completely. A 2-minute scene then ran. I nodded my head. Near the front, I noticed another group had elected to stay. Guess I'm not the only smart one.

Nader Reaches a Nadir

Live-Blogging Election Day 2008

10:48am - Just prayed to Allah for an Obama victory tonight. I know I'm not the only one.



11:10am - Off to the polls.

11:16am - I brought a TIME magazine to read while waiting in line, but forget about it. My wait to fill out a ballot is a mere 90 seconds. Ah, yes, the good old-fashioned paper ballot. If it was good enough for my grandpappy, it's good enough for me. I just filled in the oval, heh, heh, just like the Oval Office for Barack Hussein Obama. Who the fuck put his middle name on the ballot? Mother fuckers! Recount, recount! Al Franken, check. Why? Because he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggonit, he's a Democrat. Some of the lesser races I'm voting for the person whose signs I've seen around town the least. I figure they could use my vote much more than the other guys. Voted yes for increasing the sales tax about half a percent to care for our natural resources. Talk about a no-brainer. The machine I put my ballot in says that 583 have voted so far today. Most of the other people voting are between their twenties and forties. I assume all the seniors voted when the place opened at 7am.

11:42am - I put my Obama lawn sign in an even more prominent place than I had it before.

11:58am - An Obama volunteer rings the doorbell asking if I've voted yet.

12:31pm - For the first time ever, Zoe caught the frisbee I threw to her. This bodes well for tonight.

1:46pm - Off to take Zoe for a walk.



4:36pm - Heading to Friday's for an anticipatory celebration.

6:02pm - Vermont! (Obama has 3 electoral votes)

6:23pm - I'm watching MSNBC tonight, by the way.

7:03pm - Pennsylvania, Illinois, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Maine, Delaware, District of Columbia (103 EV)

8:04pm - New York, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Rhode Island (175 EV)

8:23pm - Ohio! (195)

8:32pm - New Mexico (200)

9:05pm - Iowa (207)

10:02pm - California, Washington, Oregon, Hawaii (284)

10:03pm - Barack Obama is elected President of the United States!!!

10:08pm - Virginia (297)

10:14pm - Colorado (306)

10:16pm - Florida (333)

10:36pm - Nevada (338)

11:22pm - My eyes well up as the families of Barack and Biden wave to the crowd.



12:03am - Taking a bath while reading the latest ish of Newsweek (this is getting to be navel-gazing to the nth).

1:09am - Indiana (349)

White America

Frank Rich (of the New York Times) and Keith Olbermann recently discussed a disturbing aspect of the Republican Party:

OLBERMANN: There was something else that I thought while watching the (Obama-Bill Clinton rally) from Kissimmee that Clinton pointed out-the diversity of the crowd. It's a nice polite way of saying something that is unpleasant, but true, I think. If you looked at the McCain crowds early on, it was not that darker faces were totally missing, but there were few, they were scattered. If you watch now, it seems to me there are almost none, especially at the Palin events.

There's homogeneity to those crowds. And again, I'm trying to be as nice as possible about this, but only Clinton could get away with saying that in that way, don't you think?

RICH: I agree. And I don't think we have to be quite so nice about it. The fact is, this isn't South Africa 25 years ago, this is a major political party that is essentially all white. And the hierarchy of it is definitely all white. There hasn't been a new black Republican elected to federal office, I think, in six years. And so, what does that tell us about the party and how does that look to voters? I think it looks like it's the party of the last century. It looks bad-not only is it morally bad, but politically. I think it's idiotic because it's against the whole demographics of this country and where they are going.

Live-Blogging from Fawcett's Crematorium

October 31, 2008

This is what the place looks like in the daytime:



7:18pm - I just arrived. I never show up until it's already dark out. People look at you too suspiciously. My VCR is set up to tape Ghost Hunters Live tonight. Hope they find something cool.

7:25pm - I didn't bring marshmallows this time. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it said I was 167 and that's a couple pounds over where I want to be, so I don't intend to eat until tomorrow night when I go to Friday's.

7:32pm - I'm hearing the cries of children every few minutes. This is probably the peak time for kids to be out trick-or-treating. I wouldn't mind having some candy myself right now.

7:43pm - It's not too cold out this evening, maybe upper 50's. Minnesota Halloweens are typically much cooler. In case you were wondering, I'm here by myself. My friend is pulling an all-nighter at Kwik Trip.

7:51pm - I was thinking of meditating for half an hour, but forgot to bring my earplugs. Shit, I think someone's coming.

7:54pm - False alarm.

8:04pm - You may be wondering why I come here on Halloween. It's basically so I can experience something paranormal. The most otherworldly thing I've ever experienced was hearing the first dog I ever had barking a couple times after she had passed on. I wasn't the only one to hear it, either. I'm looking for something a bit more spooky tonight, just want to feel a presence, I suppose, a full body if I'm lucky. It would be so awesome to see an apparition that I'd probably vote for McCain as a thank you to God. Wait, that doesn't even make sense.

8:12pm - My luck would probably be better if this was England, Ireland, or the redneck part of Pennsylvania. lol

8:23pm - Alright, I give up. I'm heading home to watch Bill Maher and maybe have a few Fun Size Milky Ways. Why do they call them Fun Size? What's so fun about getting two bites of a candy bar? Isn't it much more fun to get a full serving? Whatever...

Pop's Cave

In the late summer of 1993, two of my college friends asked if I'd like to go with them to a place in Wisconsin called Pop's Cave. I'd never really been in a cave before and felt it'd be a good way to spend a Saturday afternoon. We left early in the morning with a change of clothes and plenty of supplies. The day was overcast, but that wasn't a concern as the cave was underground.

The leader of our group was a guy named Brock Friedman. Originally from Illinois, he was a big geology buff and greatly looked forward to going through the cave. The other fellow, from Wisconsin, went by the name of Daniel. Brock and Daniel (along with two others) elected to spend the summer in a house in Winona rather than go back home only to return in the fall (we were all students at Winona State University). I remember Brock mentioning a few times that he had a fear of driving up hills. He didn't know where this originated (perhaps he was a wheelburrow in a past life).

It was lightly sprinkling as we arrived at our destination. In order to get to the cave, we first had to climb a reasonably steep hill and then hike about half a mile. The rain had started to make the side of the hill (which was mostly sand) awfully muddy. We grabbed onto branches as we ascended. I was quite surprised that I didn't slip into the mud at all. My pants were clean. The worst was over.

We continued our hike with Brock leading. The rain was starting to increase. About 10 minutes later, we saw a sign that said "Pop's Cave" and proceeded to enter. The light from the sky gradually decreased as we descended. The other guys couldn't wait to get deeper, but it was then that I started hesitating.

The cave was going to be completely dark and all we had were a couple floodlights. What bothered me even more were the constrained quarters. This wasn't as big a cave as I'd hoped. I'm sure it eventually opened up more, but my fear started to get the best of me and I told the guys I couldn't go any further. They asked if I was sure. I said I was and headed back up to the real world. What a relief to get outta that hole.

I remember that Brock had locked all the car doors which was a bummer since I really woulda liked just relaxing in a dry car while waiting for the completion of their expedition. Screw it. I'm gonna head down there, anyway. So I walked back towards the top of the hill and then went down it. This time, I did get my pants dirty. Fudge.

I wanted one of the car doors to be open in the worst way, but knew they weren't. I crossed the road and went to open one of the doors. OMG! One of them was open. How could this be? I was incredibly thankful at my good fortune (God?) and changed clothes in the car. The time in Brock's car gave me time to reflect on life. Several months before, I'd been diagnosed with major depression, but with the help of therapy, medication, and Godfather's pizza, I was able to return to life with renewed vigor. I rested for a while, thankful for everything in my life.

I don't know how long it was before the guys showed up, 90 minutes, 2 hours, I didn't have a watch, so had no idea. I told them about the door being open. They told me how much fun they'd had exploring. We were all in a good mood as we headed back to Minnesota. Brock mentioned he wanted to stop in LaCrosse to pick up some kind of anime vid. We watched it that evening as our big day came to a close. Though the day was nothing like what'd I planned, I went to bed grateful for the opportunity to spend time with friends and feeling that perhaps a bloke named God just might be on my side.

5 Friends (Uncensored)

Where Do You Want to Spend Eternity?

It's always been my dream to work at a crematorium. Since I'm not likely to get my wish (due to a misunderstanding in Grand Forks), this post is probably the closest I'll get until I pass on. Yes, I plan to be cremated once all the life in this body is gone. Cremation rates have steadily gone up over the past couple decades. Since it's your body, it up to you to decide if you'd prefer it to be burned to a crisp or slowly decompose over many decades. I prefer cremation since I'm a cut-to-the-chase kinda guy and think the whole casket and burial thing is too much too macabre and Edgar Allen Poe-ish.

I would prefer that my ashes be disposed of, not kept in a urn or some crap like that. I've often kidded that I wouldn't mind if they were thrown into the cat's litter box.

I've been to a number of cemeteries over the years and one thing I've noticed is the silence. One, in particular, had tons of trees, but I was unable to hear a single bird. Wonder if they know enough to stay away. Burial might be fine for some people, but I can't say I like the way it's presently done. I think caskets should be made in such a way that over time they decompose (just like the body inside). In that way, the remains are actually incorporated back into the earth as opposed to being encumbered by a box needlessly protecting it from the elements.

Many prefer to be buried for religious reasons. Quite a number of faiths teach that since the body will one day be resurrected, you should keep it in as good a condition as possible, especially after death. Problem is, if you look at a body just a few months postmortem, you'll see there's not much left to resurrect.

This Halloween, as you dance and drink at your favorite cemetery (I'll be roasting marshmallows at Fawcett's Crematorium), ponder for a moment if that is where you truly wish to spend your un-bodied days.

Sucker

Was it Kierkegaard or Mark Wahlberg who once said that learning something new everyday is the key to life? Regardless, here's the juicy tidbit I just came across:

The word "sucker" originally referred to fellatio which helps explain why a guy called this 50 years ago would get so mad. It's hard to believe someone would get angry at being called a "jerk" unless you know that the word is actually a reference to masturbating.

The words "sucks", "bites", and "blows" also originated as sexual insults (P.L.T.).

Here's the full article where I learned this info as well as an interesting passage from it:

"Over time, taboo words relinquish their literal meanings and retain only a coloring of emotion, and then just an ability to arouse attention. This explains why "Close the fucking door", "What the fuck?", "Holy Fuck!", and "Fuck you!" violate all rules of English syntax and semantics—they presumably replaced "Close the damned door", "What in Hell?", "Holy Mary!", and "Damn you!" when religious profanity lost its zing and new words had to be recruited to wake listeners up."

Heartburn

Three years ago, my favorite snack to eat (other than Swiss Cake Rolls, that is) were Taco Doritos. They had just enough spice to keep me interested. Some time later, they came out with Salsa Doritos. I tried a few one evening and liked them even more than the taco ones.

A strange thing started happening, however. After ingesting a significant number of them, I experienced a dull pain in my chest. I had no idea what it was, but quickly came to the conclusion that it had to do with my chip consuming. A quick internet search told me that what I'd been feeling was heartburn. After feeling its symptoms one too many times, I realized I had to stop eating them, so back to the much-more-bland-in-comparison Taco Doritos I went.

About nine months later, I was tempted to walk again on the wild side, but found much to my chagrin, that the stores I frequented weren't selling them anymore. As this thread shows, I wasn't the only one who noticed their disappearance (I love his comment that "I would have an orgasm if I were eating them right now").

Check out this commercial for Salsa Doritos from a few years ago:



What I wouldn't give to have a bag right now.

The Perils of Being Left-Handed

I've been a lefty for as long as I can remember.

I had to use the left-handed scissors while making things in kindergarten. On the first day of each school year, I would make sure to sit at a desk that had the arm part on the left side. These desks were harder to come by in high school, so I eventually just got used to sitting in a right-handed one (when taking tests, I would sit facing the right a bit so that my left arm could be supported at least somewhat by the top portion of the desk).

In junior high, my father wanted me to take up golfing, so got me a set of left-handed ones. Turned out that I'm right-handed when it comes to golf (same for bowling, baseball, foosball, etc.) I can use a computer mouse with either hand, though I favor the right.

What percentage of the population is left-handed? Approximately 7 to 10. It's more common in males than females. A recent book called "Right Hand, Left Hand" argues that the proportion of left-handers is rising and left-handed people as a group have historically produced an above-average quota of high achievers. The author says that left-handers' brains are structured differently in a way that widens their range of abilities.

Three of the last four Presidents have been left-handed (W. being the exception). Both Obama and McCain are also Southpaws. Other famous lefties: Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Winston Churchill, Mark Twain, Aristotle, Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Paul McCartney, Michelangelo, Leonardo DaVinci, Jim Carrey, Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Nicole Kidman, Robert Redford, Julia Roberts, Robert DeNiro, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Keanu Reeves, Jerry Seinfeld, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Celine Dion, Jimi Hendrix, Sting, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Babe Ruth, Greg Louganis, Mark Spitz, Bruce Jenner, Dorothy Hamill, Larry Bird, Jimmy Conners, John McEnroe, Henry Ford, Bill Gates, Colin Powell, Albert Einstein, and Oprah.

Wassup! :P 2008

Its been eight long years since the boys said, "Wassup!" to each other. Even with the effects of a down economy and imminent change in the White House, they're still able to come together and stay true to what really matters.

July 24, 1985 (age 14) - Journal entry

Well, I did it. I'm living with my mom now. Just me and her in downtown Winona. Dad got really mad at me when I didn't want to take the trash out last month. He said he couldn't handle me anymore and asked mom if she would take me in. I would've acted up much sooner if I'd known that it would lead to this. :) I'd be even happier with a girlfriend, but this is nice. I get to see my brothers and sister every weekend, but definitely enjoy the quiet I have during the week. One other good thing is I can watch pretty much anything I want on TV now instead of having to share it with the boys. And mom will make whatever I want for supper!

I also get to go to movies whenever I want. Back to the Future is awesome! I've seen it 7 times already. I love movies about time travel and it's got a lot of laughs and a couple Huey Lewis songs in it. Some other good movies I've been to are European Vacation, Fletch, and The Man With One Red Shoe.

I have a paper route now. It pays about $20 a week, so I always have money in my pocket. I buy a LOT of tapes with my paper route money. I bought Simple Minds new one a few days ago. I also think Duran Duran are pretty gnarly.

I went to the rerelease of Return of the Jedi a few months ago. I hadn't seen it in a couple years, so was excited to see it again. Two guys I know from school, Matt Chester and Matt Struck, were there. I loved the movie for the first hour, but after that it was kinda boring. Weird to think of a Star Wars movie as boring.

Oh, crap. I forgot about one other good thing about living with mom. I don't have to go to the Jehovah's Witness meetings anymore. Dad still wanted me to go to them, but I was able to get out of it. :) I hate dressing up and now I can watch Family Ties and The Cosby Show since my Thursdays are now open. I'll miss seeing a few people from the Hall, but the meetings are so boring! Mom doesn't go to them, either.

I bought Weird Al's new tape a couple weeks ago.

It's got a song on it called I Want a New Duck! Get it?!

I also have a 10-speed bike. It's much faster than my old SkyHawk and doesn't have a banana seat!

I start 9th grade this fall. I'll be able to just walk to school now.

Previous entries:

October 18, 1984 (age 13)

May 21, 1983 (age 12)

December 11, 1980 (age 9)

Southern Sheriff Pulls Over Obama Campaign Bus For Broken Taillight

FOXWORTH, MS—Despite obeying the posted speed limit and having all inspection, registration, and insurance documentation up to date, Sen. Barack Obama's campaign bus was stopped for nearly four hours by Marion County deputy sheriff Dewey Clutter while en route to a Jackson, MS speech, sources reported Tuesday.

According to those on board the bus—including various journalists, members of the Secret Service, and Obama campaign staffers—several minutes passed before Clutter exited his cruiser. Witness statements all mention hearing the sheriff's jackbooted footsteps along the gravel roadside as he slowly approached the vehicle's passenger side. These reports also assert that, prior to reaching the front of the campaign bus, the sheriff paused momentarily to smash the right rear taillight of the bus before dragging his still-drawn baton along the entire length of the vehicle.

"Where's the fire, son?" Clutter, 42, was overheard saying to the Illinois senator and 2008 Democratic presidential nominee. "Driving like that in these parts, what with a busted taillight and all, fella like you liable to get hisself into a whole mess a trouble."

Obama protested briefly before Clutter interrupted the graduate of Columbia University and Harvard Law School, brusquely informing the senator that he could "detain [Obama's] uppity ass for 48 hours without charging [him] with shit."

"Huh. Illinois," Clutter said while scrutinizing Obama's driver's license from behind a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses. "You a long way from home, ain't ya?"

"Now Barry, someone 'bout your height, 'bout your skin color knocked over a Piggly Wiggly up in New Hebron just a coupla hours ago," Clutter continued. "But you wouldn't know nothin' 'bout that, now would you?"

Clutter then turned to Obama's wife, Michelle, looked her up and down, and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief.

Continued...

2002 Part III

Ben Affleck and Samuel L. Jackson have a fender bender and spend the rest of the day on a collision course in the surprisingly good “Changing Lanes”.

If you have any doubts about Ben’s acting ability, they will be gone after viewing this. The movie is a great thesis on how one seemingly insignificant event can change the course of many lives (trailer).

Another good thriller is “Insomnia”, a moody film that stars three Academy Awards winners, Al Pacino, Robin Williams, and Hillary Swank. It takes place in Alaska (yes, Alaska!) and involves a cop (Pacino) who is after a killer (Williams). Check out the evocative trailer.

Williams is quite a baddie in the film, but I bought it. One of the most memorable aspects of the film and one that I hadn’t seen before was the movie taking place in Alaska at a time of year when the sun doesn’t set. As a child, I was fascinated by the idea of living someplace where it was day all the time (or night, for that matter). The film was directed by Chris Nolan who broke through with “Memento” and most recently directed the number two movie of all time, “The Dark Knight”.

“Red Dragon” is a prequel to “Silence of the Lambs”. There was talk of Anthony Hopkins’ face undergoing digital youthing to make him look younger since “Lambs” came out more than a decade before, but nothing ever came of it. Edward Norton, one of my favorite actors, also stars. In the end, I was left a tad disappointed by it. Just a tad, though. If you like seeing Lecter go to town, you might wanna check it out (trailer).

The director of “Seven” and “Fight Club”, David Fincher, returned in 2002 with “Panic Room” (trailer). Starring Jodie Foster as a mother who goes with her daughter into a safe room when intruders break in, it’s a very intense experience, though not as good as Fincher’s late 90’s movie “The Game” which starred Michael Douglas.

“Road to Perdition” was the second effort from Sam Mendes. His first was my favorite movie of 1999: “American Beauty”. Starring Tom Hanks, Jude Law, and the recently passed Paul Newman, it's a good gangster movie for people who don’t like gangster movies (trailer).

My best friend at the time was a huge Eminem fan. I kinda liked the rapper, though I actually preferred him with peanuts. :P So it was that one weekend afternoon, we went to “8 Mile”. It actually wasn’t too bad. After all the talk of him being anti-gay, I was pleased to see a scene where he stood up for one of them. As the credits rolled and Em’s song “Lose Yourself” started playing, my friend started really getting down with the music. A bit embarrassing, but what can I say, it is a good song.

Music on the Brain

Last Tuesday, when I went to Ms. Maggie Moo's website, she had a post titled, "Ruby Tuesday". I left the following comment:

"Dang it, Mags. The title of this post has me thinking of the Rolling Stones song of the same name. Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it now."

Last week, when going to the Eazy Cheezy website, I noticed Brian had just written a post entitled, "Stumbled Upon Toolbars, Utilities and Tips". Within seconds, the 70's classic "Stumblin' In" was going through my mind.

Last Friday, when digging out a Great Clips coupon, I noticed that it said "Walk Right In". Guess what song was going through my head just a couple seconds later?

On Friday, I went to a guy's website which was called Ask Me Why and immediately thought of the Beatles song "Tell Me Why".

As the above examples show, this happens to me all the time! I'll be reading a Time or Newsweek article and all of a sudden, a song will go through my head.

I'll be like, "Where did that come from?". Nine times out of ten, after looking over the paragraph or two that I just read, I'll find a series of words that corresponds to the song that is now rattling around in my noggin.

I would think this happens to others, but since I listen to an incredible variety of music (going from the 50's all the way to the present day) on a daily basis, I suspect my experience of it is much more acute.

The Return of Lil' Bill O'

Oh My God!