HEAVEN—Emerging from a grueling 90 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and light lifting for tone, Son of God Jesus Christ said Monday that He is "definitely on track" to achieve peak fitness condition for the Second Coming.
"If every eye is going to see Me, and all the tribes of earth are going to wail on account of Me, I think I owe it to them and to Myself to be in the best shape of My life," Christ said. "Right now I'm up to 35 minutes at seven [miles per hour] on the treadmill and benching about 165 [pounds]."
The determined Savior has also forsworn His favorite high-calorie, high-carb foods such as fatted calf, loaves, and even His own body and blood, instead embracing muscle-building high-protein shakes and electrolyte-replacing sports drinks. And when temptation calls, Christ need only look at two pictures taped to His refrigerator: an icon of Himself prior to starting His regimen and a reproduction of Michelangelo's "Last Judgment" fresco torn from a magazine.
"The thought of being unable to seize the seven-headed serpent and hurl it into the abyss really keeps Me motivated," Christ said.
"Right now, it's all about Aug. 2," the goal-oriented Savior said. "And no matter how I look, there's no going back on this one like I did seven years ago."
15 comments:
Nobody's gonna want to eat Jesus anyway once he starts building all that muscle. He'll be too tough and hard to chew.
Damnit, Kyra. This is the 2nd consecutive post of mine that you've talked about ingesting a human. It's not right...unless it happens to be the dong bone...
Yeah, really!!
I could go for a little "Dong Tar-tare" right about now, too.
With a side of balls.
Cool. What size shoes do you wear, Kyra?
I range between a 6 1/2 to a 7 1/2.... why?
My shoe size shouldn't matter, for, I have no dong.
This is awesome:)
108, every time you post a comment, I get to see your feet. I was simply curious as to how big they were. Thank you.
Do they look freakishly large???
I am very concerned now.
108, no, they look fine.
Braising...that's how you'd get around the stringyness.
I know, I'm a chef. ;)
And also...mmmm....balls....
IF they call goat balls rocky mountain oysters, then would an edible tesitcle of Jesus be a Matzah Ball? Mmmmmm... Something to think about next time you partake in that Jewish dish.
I always liked
"Jesus is coming, someone get a towel and a cigarette!"
i had a t-shirt once (back in the day ya'll) that said "jesus is coming and he is not wearing a condom"
btw, kyra...love the tattoo on your feet. i often do a henna tattoo on my hands. i have one real tattoo as well
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