Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Several years ago, I was browsing at the Barnes & Noble in downtown Rochester. I was perusing the shelves and saw this title:

In a series of essays, women tell what they would do if they had a schlong.

I remember I had a dream once in which I had a detachable penis. For some reason, I didn't want to let it out of my sight.


Mags said...

I don't blame you...losing your manhood could be very traumatic.

~paige~ said...

have you ever heard of the "detachable penis song"

~paige~ said...

here it is:
Detachable Penis - King Missile
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.
[background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over]

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

[background voices continue to sing "detachable penis" for a while, then out]

Thomas said...

Thanks, Paige. That's a funny song. I do remember seeing the video for it on MTV in the mid-90's.

the108 said...

If I had a penis for a day, I'd bitch and complain the entire time. I imagine that it would be hard to get accustomed to after not having one. I'm always concerned with Dean's penis and enquire often as to whether or not it is an annoyance to have one. It would drive me crazy to have a big, sensitive object just flopping around, having to constantly adjust it, lie a certain way so you don't hurt it... etc.

A penis would aggravate me.

Skittles said...

That's an interesting thought. Hmm.. What WOULD I do...???

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I knew a guy in high school that said that if he had boobs he'd never leave the mirror, he'd just bounce around all day watching his boobs bounce up and down.

I think he was seriously disturbed.